small breakdowns...part 1

My beloved and loyal readers. All three of you…

Of course this isn’t the END of the story, because it is like any good soap opera going to outlive me and you both. This is the story that will be written down, and edited, published under pseudonyms and hidden under pillows. This is the story of love, and all of its twists and turns, all of its ups and downs, but most importantly the tiny moments in which it exists fully.

This is the end of this documentation of said story, for now. Because I feel that to try to capture the last day, evening, night, stranded night in random hotel, and morning of flying home a day late and exhausted—would cheapen the story. Those chapters haven’t been finished yet. They leave little to the imagination, and yet they leave everything to it.

The reality is this. True love exists many times in our lives, I believe. I don’t doubt for a second that I was in love with my first ever boyfriend. Truly in love. I’ve never felt anything like it since, I certainly had never felt anything like it before him. That’s a truth. I have no doubt that I was in love with BBQ (we’ll name him that because he shares his name with a famous BBQ restaurant that everyone except B-Girl loves{crazy vegetarians})
I have no doubt that I have, for years, been in love truly with Galan. There is no other explanation for my feelings, for the celestial altitude sickness I get when I see him, or hear his voice. There is no other explanation for the way I used to lie awake, in the arms of another lover and picture his face in my mind. Or the time I awoke, in the middle of the night calling his name, not because I was having another amazing sex dream, but rather because I was dreaming of horrible things, and I wanted him to protect me.

This story was a cleansing process for me. This helped me to put into perspective all the things I am feeling and all the things I don’t want to feel. Communication with Galan is difficult, he doesn’t like phones. He doesn’t like to be bugged by the phone, and he rarely returns phone calls. This has made the last few days difficult for me. How does one proceed? How does one move forward? What does one do in this situation?

Well for starters, one has lunch with Galan’s Bestfriend. To discuss the types of responses, and reactions, and hopes and dreams, and wedding colors, or maybe just how to move forward.

But the current beneath the rocky surface of this love-torn abused and excited man is much stronger than just that which was spawned by the I-woke-up-with-him-winds that morning.

The misery that has been my job has been an increasing weight on my chest for weeks. There is no good reason for me to continue to do the work I’m doing. There is nothing gratifying about it.

Whenever I’m not feeling well emotionally, I do one of two things: I party a lot to hide it all, or I sulk at home a lot, maybe finding solace in the company of one or two friends, rarely talking much about the particular emotional issues.
The few weeks leading up to the trip I was defiantly the second mode. I was barely talking to anyone. It helped that I had been hospitalized, was broke and weather was getting cold which makes it hard to go out easily.

I had twice postponed a trip home t see my family, both times because I honestly didn’t feel like going. I didn’t feel like driving, or like seeing them. I didn’t want to put the work into it. I mostly wanted to lie around and do nothing. And I did, for many days in a row.

I have a friend who when she moved to Santa Fe was feeling pretty shitty, but managed to hold it all together. She told me once, that it’s the smallest thing that causes the breakdown, never the big things. Her cat died, she didn’t break, she was lonely and miserable, she didn’t break, she was always getting lost in the city making her late for work, she didn’t break. One day she couldn’t find butter I the grocery store in Santa Fe, she broke…

The same thing happened to A-Game when she left for TFA. She broke down over a parking ticket. It’s the little things.

Like Sands through the hourglass

So after many shots of tequila, a failed bid at a runway walking contest, and more beer than anyone should have had to drink, I sauntered home with A-Game and crashed. We got up early the next morning, had some coffee at starbucks, and got ready for the first day of our conference.

The conference was—of course—the most amazing part of the trip. I love The National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health. It is my favorite organization in the world. They are a great group that works for Reproductive Justice, which is what’s most important to me. The reality is this organization melds all the issues that matter together, to seek comprehensive solutions to problems facing Latinos in America.

A slight deviation from the story for a second to illustrate why Reproductive Justice is important to me. The following is an excerpt from an email I sent to friends and colleagues about NLIRH:

The term Reproductive Justice was first introduced to me at a training in Albuquerque that NLIRH had done. This term really summed up what I already knew, and wish more people were talking about. The reality is that it isn't enough to have a "Right to Choose" for women, if we don't have access to health insurance/healthcare, in order to utilize those "rights." It isn't enough to have healthcare if we don't have access to living-wage-paying jobs that allow us as communities to care for our children, parents, and loved ones. What good is it to have a good paying job is the environmental injustices in our neighborhoods are so great that our kids are growing up with asthma and mental health issues, our quality of life is so low? If we can't come out of hiding as Immigrants, to pursue the American Dream that brought us here, does it do any good to have clinicas open to the masses of undocumented immigrants? If we are still living in homophobia and racism, what does it matter if our communities have been provided a "pathway to citizenship?"

The inter-sectionality of these issues is incredibly obvious to me, and so few people are willing to recognize it. It is for this reason that I am in love with NLIRH.

So we spent a good portion of the day hungover, but learning new things about the issues we care about and a little bit about advocacy and community organizing which is always good to hear again.

The day was nearing an end, and even though I had been told by Galan that he would meet me at the hotel around 6:30 when our day ended, I was beginning not to believe it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I just knew I didn’t want to walk around town looking at monuments with A-Game and other women from the conference. So I decided to take a slow shower, and get ready on my own pace. If he called he did, if not, I’d go out alone-done it many times before in DC would do it again. By the time A-Game had left and I was sitting comfortable on the bed cleaning my nails, my phone rang. He had been called into work for a while and would be arriving at the hotel around 8. I knew this meant 9 or 9:30 so I said sure, and got ready by 8 just in case.

I’d like to say that I had prepared myself again, for the reality that he wasn’t coming, but I hadn’t. I was excited and what not all over again. I kept re reading the inscription on the book, and changing my outfit, again and again, and again. Of course when a Gay man packs for 4 days its two weeks worth of clothes, well I mixed and matched and re matched everything, I tried on two months worth of combinations, and of course, went with the one I had on first.

I decided to wander outside to smoke a cigarette, needing the claming effect of doubled blood pressure, head-spins, and increased heart rate (all side effects of smoking).

Galan called at five after 8, my heart sunk, he was calling on time, to tell me he was running late or bailing….I knew it…

Actually he wanted to make sure he was walking the right direction, by the time he asked the question he had turned the corner and I could see him in plain view. Sweaty palms, nervous teeth grinding, and scared-of-eye-contact looking away, I said hello and asked what he wanted to do. I was sure to mention I was starving and needed to eat dinner for sure.

His suggestion was to get liquor at the store next door, grab food downstairs, and spend the night chilling in our hotel room drinking and chatting.

What? You want to be in a room where the only furniture is a bed, drinking hard liquor, and talking intimately? Well…ok…twist my arm!!!!

So we grabbed dinner, and sat on the bed eating, talking. We talked about everything, his trip to Latin America to see family, the work he is doing now, and where is in life path he thinks he is.

It is important to note that these are some of the reasons I’m in love with him so much. He went to visit family; while he was there he met with the mayor of the city to help secure space for a new clinic to help deal with HIV rates in the area. He also learned a lot about his culture, including how to cook the local foods. He shared with me the experiences he had growing up, and how they screwed him up emotionally in so many ways. We had the really intimate conversations, about coming out, and about where we want to go with our lives. I told him about the new developments in life with my dad, and not sure of where to go next in my career etc… It was really great.

But where it wasn’t going, was anywhere physically. And I knew if I didn’t give him a reason to stick around he’d get the impression that I was ready for him to split so that I could go clubbing or something else.

He made drinks for us; this would be my first one with vodka in it, surprise for those of you who know me-yes I drank cranberry juice and ice without vodka!!!

When he was done making the drinks I just did what I had to do. I grabbed him, and started kissing him. He kissed me back, passionately, and with hunger on his lips. We’d finally gotten to that moment.

He and I had kissed before, but never like this. Never in a way that we knew we wanted each other. This time is was obvious that keeping our clothes on was going to be the most difficult exercise in restraint we’d eve experienced. But was that really what we wanted to do, keep our clothes on? Restrain ourselves, again?

This is where details from the story are left out, because, well frankly, I don’t want to publish everything on this website, that would be quite dumb I’m sure…

*** *** *** ***

The next morning, I opened my eyes to see that it hadn’t been a dream at all… In my arms, sleeping comfortably was the man of my dreams. The man that I was at one point too afraid to talk to-even in a professional setting. The man who I had stumbled over myself multiple times, to try to get a date with, but could never quite ask the question. The man I never thought I’d wake up to, but always wanted to wake up to multiple mornings in a row…

I spoke softly into his ear: Galan, would you like some coffee?

“Si” and he rolled over slightly to kiss me. I couldn’t believe it; I was in such shock I almost left the hotel without any clothes on at all…

This picture is obviously not of that morning, cause why would I stop to chat on the phone outside starbucks when he was in bed? But its a good illustration...

OK OK I'll Continue

So After multiple comments about my cliff-hanger ending last night I decided to go on a bit further.

So after rushing to the hotel room to drop off new clothes I had bought, quickly fussing with my hair, my make up, my clothes, the way my eyebrows were laying, and fuck even which pocket to put my phone into ( I was obsessing a bit much about impressing him) We headed off to meet him in Dupont.

When we walked up to him, next to that fountain in Dupont Circle, I thought I was going to die. He was every bit as gorgeous as when he left the country, more so because it had been so long since I'd seen him...

Dinner was nerve wracking, beyond belief... I had to order a glass of wine right away to lose the nerves. He doesn't drink wine much so he let me order a glass for him. He really liked what I picked out, so did I matter of factly...

We chatted, dinner was amazing, even though A-Game didn't do her job on the re-con...

(Yes we have introduced a new character, A-Game. She is a friend of mine who has been around for many many years, doing Choice work especially, as well as College Dems and others. She ALWAYS brings her A-Game even when there isn't a good reason to battle. Hence the name... I love her dearly....)

She tried apparently, while I was outside on the phone to get the skinny on Galan, but was unsuccessful...

Dinner had ended and we were saying our goodbyes, I asked Galan to take us out for some drinks, my favorite bar, and he said he would. He needed to go home and shower, and change and he would meet us in Dupont.

It was raining hard outside of Kramer Books where we ate dinner, and Galan ran off to the metro and A-Game went inside to buy books. Galan called and asked if he could crash in the room with us because he wouldn't be able to take the metro home after the club, i was beyond excited and said of course( No I didn't ask A-Game, she did it to me in DC once before...)

So I went into Kramer and happened across some books she was looking at. They are called "A Short Introduction," they are a series of small books that are essentially the basics of whatever topic you want to get...So I purchased two: Politics and Political Parties and Elections in America.

Galan and I had had a conversation, many months ago about how intimidated we were by each other. I felt he would think I was too preppy, nerdy, White-washed, and boring and he always felt like I would think he was stupid cause he didn't go to college and didn't really understand politics. I decided if we were going to get over those nerves, I was going to have to take responsibility for that.

So when we got back to the room, I began drafting the inscription in the book. It took 12 tries to get it right. Meanwhile I waited patiently for Galan to call and let us know what time to meet him back in Dupont.

Then the phone rang...

He called to say he was too tired to go out, and he felt like if he did he wouldn't be any fun. I knew i never shoulda bought him ONE glad of wine... I felt really sad, disappointed. I thought I had expected this but, I wasn't at all prepared. I was crushed...

I did what I knew I was supposed to, I called Black Squirrel and told him to come have a few beers in our room then we were all going to the Drag show!

And I set the Political Parties and Elections book-freshly inscribed- on the desk to get ready. I was going to have a good time and no one would stop me!

As we were getting ready to leave for the club I got a text message that said "I swear I want to hang out with you, don't think it's that. Just really tired and I wanna be a good time for you. I swear I'll see you tomorrow night, what you wanna do is up to you!"

I thought there was no way It would really happen, and the result was that I was just going to have to get over him for good...

Once in the bar, we ordered three shot of tequila and the night took off. I never looked back... Much...

Yep I'm doing it again. More tomorrow. G'nite

So Much for Resolve

Anyone who knows me at all knows already that I had a blast in DC this weekend! Here I am just taking the escalator up and into the city, ready to go for dinner the first night I was there… This is when things just went out of control…

What is a resolution made for, if not to be broken? I mean “I will not drink at all in the new year” is always followed with a glass of wine, or a shot of tequila.

So We are introducing a new Character to the life and times of M&M…

We’ll call him, Galan. Galan, for those of you who don’t know, or for those of you who understand it to be something different, is a Spanish slang word in my community that refers to an attractive/sexy man.

It’s important to know we are not introducing him to my life, but rather to the story as it is documented here.

He and I have a history, a LOOONG one. For many years I’ve honestly thought he could be the guy I spent the rest of my life with. I don’t know him well enough to know that for sure, but I wonder. I had finally gotten over him, when he left NM the last time. So of course, I was thinking that he was one of those many men that I was going to get over when I went outta town for a weekend and started over upon returning home. Life was fine, the trip out there was smooth, we landed on time checked in, showered, and went shopping for a few hours. Amazing.

Upon walking out of the escalator heading back to the hotel to drop of bags and such I got a text message. I had told Galan weeks ago I was going out there, and since he never responded I assumed that he wasn’t interested in hanging out. Imagine my shock, and excitement when I got that text…

I called him right away. Told him he was meeting us for dinner, and we would see him in 30 minutes.

And because I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, I will leave it at that one for now…

New Me

Its 2 Am and this post will be short. I'm getting up in 2.5 hours to leave for the airport, off to DC I go!!!

I chopped my hair off today. It was a very spiritual experience. Since I started growing it out i've had one serious boyfriend, a number of bad dates, some great sex, losing campaigns, multiple jobs, and lost friends. When he started cutting it off, I felt like i was leaving all of that behind, Thank God(dess)!!!!!

I am excited about the new me, and all that it will mean.

More when I get back!!!

Embittered old queens

OR
I started a fight. Surprise surprise….

For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been fighting the good fight on the DL. I am on the board of the statewide queer organization, Equality New Mexico. Our organization took a stand against a ridiculously bad political move by Barney Frank and HRC-supposed leaders of the gay community.

I have always wondered why Barney Frank gets all the media attention, and hype for being a Queer leader in congress, when he was out-ed during a sex scandal, and has since made banking and credit a bigger issue than queer issues. I’m not saying that a gay member of congress can’t have a broad agenda, in fact the opposite, they should. But Barney Frank is no leader on queer issues. He definitely isn’t someone to be PROUD of within the community, not to mention he’s an absolute asshole, as I’ve had the misfortune of having to deal with him personally on numerous trips to New Mexico.

So my favorite new blog to read, Queersighted has a few authors who write from their various perspectives on multiple issues. I like this blog a lot, and have had the utmost level of respect for most of the authors. Except Richard.

When I first started reading Richards posts, I found them a little interesting. Then I began to be bored with his constant hammering away at the religious right for their intolerance and bigotry, then I was just flat out annoyed. The things, for me, complaining about the Religious Right is like bitching about cold winters. It’s a fact. It’s the truth. It’s not going to change. Does it suck, sometimes yes. But I prefer to spend my time worrying about the middle ground, those people worldwide who haven’t made up their minds about queers for example. Because why bitch about Jerry Falwell when I can spend my energy working to make sure he isn’t influencing the opinions and morals of oh I dunno, an entire generation of upcoming citizens?

That’s when things got worse. I was annoyed, I stopped reading Richard’s posts, and I moved on.

Then Richard started acting like the Religious Right. Sure he was friendly about it, sure he said things like “I personally don’t have anything against… I just worry about the PR repercussions on our community… blah blah blah”

See Richard was angry about Sissies. Yes Sissies. The thing that so many of us were called growing up, the reason that most Fags are accused of being fags in the first place. Because we don’t fit the perfect stereotype of what it is to be a man in today’s society.

I ignored those posts too, for the most part. Occasionally I would send the links to someone I knew would appreciate them, and we would discuss the posts while smoking.

But then, Richard came out with his most ridiculous blog ever. And I blew up!!!
Richard decided to defend Barney Frank’s spineless stance on the ENDA bill, that is that passing a useless bill through a US House that wants easy votes, onto the desk of a President that quite frankly will not sign the bill anyway.

My position is clear: On top, preferably you looking into your eyes….OK OK not that position!!!

My position is clear: ENDA is a worthless bill unless it includes Gender Identity for a number of reasons.

First of all, what is the point is selling out on a major portion of our community? It gets us no political capitol, and in the end we can’t sleep at night either. Well I Can’t sleep at night, knowing I left a half a boatload of people down the river, and cruised up here with plenty of room for them.

Secondly, sexual orientation isn’t provable in these discrimination cases anyway. When was the last time you said to your boss “Hey guess who I fucked the hell out of last night?” NEVER. Well if you did you were fired for sexual harassment, or your boss (like mine) wouldn’t’ fire you for being gay anyway! There is no way that an employer can prove your sexual orientation, unless you have their penis in your mouth (even then its questionable, read: we all had those few experiences with “straight” guys down the hall in the dorms…)
Now, chances are, you are going to get fired for being, say a dyke. And the reason you got fired, not because your employer knows you are out munching carpet all day, but rather, because you have spiked hair, you wear boots, and you don’t have any make up on. Those aren’t qualifications that fall under sexual orientation, but rather under Gender Identity. They “dyke” didn’t get fired for munching carpet, she got fired cause “my custmers dunno how to take a gurl with short hair.” And then, the fucker gets off in court. Why? Cause we wrote a lousy law. The reality is that without Gender Identity in this bill it won’t do any good anyway.

Third, we aren’t going to get the bill signed. This is what we call advocating periods. WE put the bill in, try to get it passed, and use it as an opportunity to educate lawmakers about the issue. So what if we don’t get the sill passed because we include GI in the bill? If we get to have the conversation with fifteen more legislators and bring a couple around on it, then we are good to go. At least we still have our spines.

But no no no. Richard, in all his political idiocy decided to decry those of us attacking Spineless Barney Frank on the issue, and make us out to be the evil doers. Well this time around he caught his share of backlash. And he didn’t take it well.

My posts were a little bit personal in nature, but it hurts, as I said. Richard asked me to give up the insults “childish and personal” as they were according to him, and to instead provide a strategy for passing said bill the way I wanted it, in the real world.

Well I did that, in a second comment on the blog. But got no response to it. Interesting I thought, so I waited a day or so, and then I asked Richard about it. His response was ridiculous. “Read my original post thoroughly, you will understand my position.” I guess Richard got his feathers ruffled that someone a third of his age was able outsmart him politically.

Bitter old queens, take this warning. It’s time to retire your bitchy tiaras, and rest your weary elbows/wrists from the wave. A new generation has come forth, and we are ready to stand up for what is right, more so than you give us credit for.

And for the record, the T isn’t silent in GLBT!!!

The levels of Hell

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Well ok, everyday falls into that category but today really was!

I started the re-visioning project today. I spent hours online looking at NYC Fall Fashion Week images yesterday, and decided upon a new outfit for the day today.
I have potentially found something for tomorrow, though I'm not sure how it will work out until I try it. This is an incredibly frustrating time, because I am making a major change to myself on Thursday before leaving town, and until that change is complete I'd like to crawl under a rock.
The good news is that I got a lot of compliments about how I looked, so Its working.

When I awoke I was in the third level of hell. Well it felt like that at least. My allergies were horrible, and my body was cold. The third level of hell, for those that don't know, is reserved to the lustful. They are thrown about in the wind for all eternity, with no particular respite or destination. Because apparently lust leads you astray and leaves you wandering through life without direction. Well I'm lustful, and I'm windblown, (and other blown when possible) but damn it I have Direction!!!!

Ok… I know I was going somewhere with this….

By the end of the day, I was in the 7th circle of hell. Sodomites. Interesting isn't it? Well yes, the day was horrible. I had one bad experience after another, the highlights include but are not limited to:

Agreeing not to ever speak to my ex again, after a vicious fight about how to stay friends. Apparently the evils I did to him were so bad he is still in pain about them, which gives him the right o treat me horribly in public, even though hours before we were discussing make up together.

Fighting on the phone with (name removed for work security)

Fighting on the phone with (name removed for work security)

Fighting on the phone with (name removed for work security)

And Reading about a new policy at work, that, for obvious reasons I can't discuss.

STOOOPID DAY!

Identity Crisis... I Challenge You To Think of Something More Fun?

So I posted yesterday, my blog about writing a plan for my departure from NM... I know I have only have two fans, and one of them is loyal, so imagine my surprise when I had a comment on my blog by the time I got to work this morning...

Imagine my surprise more so, when I had an entire email response to it as well. I Love You Girl!!!

She had clearly warned me not to read it at work, mostly because she knows me incredibly well, and yet I did so anyway. For that, I had smudged mascara and eyeliner all day long!!!

Her Email was the sweetest form of flattery... If she had only known...

Quoting her below without her permission, I hope she understands, as I think this warrants further discussion, and I encourage my other reader to jump in on this, (you know who you are, your words have become quite influential for me last couple of weeks especially!!!)

I guess all around, I’ve been overly emotional the past week or so, mostly cuz I’ve been really homesick, but also I’ve lost myself in a couple of mental quandaries about identity and what the hell I’m doing with my life, and reading your blog, I was really quite impressed with your sense of identity, and strength in who you are, and faith, especially in the ability of people to accept you, and I love all of that. And yes, I know that you are not infallible in this, and that you, too, have your moments of, oh shit who am I and what am I doing (having witnessed a couple of them this summer), but really, I think for the most part you are a very strong individual with amazing conviction and sense of self. And I envy that just a little bit.

Well that was the sweetest thing anyone had said to me in a while. Sure Monday Disappointment(P-you remember who this is, B girl{that's your new nickname for the blog}you'll know him as the B-Day present) said a lot of nice things in the conversation during which he told me he didn't want to date me. But those kinds of compliments are never taken to heart.

I really admire your passion, your accomplishments, and your generosity to people you don't know. But I can't commit to having dinner with you once a week, its too much for me right now....THATS where ya lost me!!!

OK OK I'm getting kinda tangential again....

The point is that B-Girls words hit me hard this morning. After Monday Disappointment "dumped" me Friday, Deputy took me out for a night of drunkenness to cope...I spent the rest of the weekend wandering. Not physically, just emotionally... And there it happened, one of the "infallible" moments B-Girl mentioned above...

Its a total identity crisis. And I've been here before. Its a problem. Not a major one, but one none the less...

So While B-Girl is complimenting me on my sens of identity, I'm having a crisis in that department. If she had only known...

So I've begun to write my plan for my trip to DC, but it includes a whole list of things to accomplish, some of which will be knocked out this week. (P-don't ruin the surprise if you leave any comments)

So I'm going to call it a Re visioning of sorts. I'll keep you updated on the progress...

For starters it means more beauty sleep, and I'm failing on that a bit...

goodnight for now, and B-Girl I LOVE you dearly!! I miss you, and I can't wait until we live together in DC and conquer the world you and I!

Getting Ready

So I turned 24 on August 9th of this year. It was a difficult birthday, but a blast.

The month before I had gone to DC for a vacation. The experience had been a wonderful one. I spent three days in a conference, the Black Church Summit on Sex and Sexuality. It had been an amazing conference, imagine traditional Black Preachers, preaching in a way only Black pastors know how, but about relationships, sex, sexuality, and love. It gave me a lot to think about. I followed that with 3 days of wandering around the city all alone. I had never spent that much time alone before, and i mean seriously alone. I had no friends with me, I was occasionally on the phone, but mostly I was walking around alone. Being in a city that big, with people everywhere and still totally alone was an enlightening experience. It took something out of me, but it gave me something as well.
I did the traditional touristy stuff, monuments, museums, the zoo, historic neighborhoods, and stuff along those lines... I thought a lot.

While I was there I met someone. I wasn't looking for anyone, it was an accident but I'm eternally grateful that it happened. The time we spent together, my last night in town, was amazing. He was amazing. There were many reasons, but I won't go back into that...

So I came back to Burque, realizing things just weren't right for me here. I had to make a decision, and I called a meeting of The Council...(a few girlfriends who's judgement I trust implicitly) I asked their opinion, laying out the story (actually I had written the story, and if it wasn't slightly x rated I'd share more) and asking them what to do. They helped me make a decision.

So I did what any planner/organizer would do. I set a deadline and agreed to create a plan.

So My birthday party was called "Marshall-Palooza Countdown to DC" and I decided that by December 1, 2008 I would be on my way to DC. For a minimum of two years.

I've recently had experiences that re invigorated this particular goal of mine. So by the end of the week I'll have a full calendar ready for the next year, all the things I need to accomplish to get out of New Mexico.

On the list: Finish School (I should only need two semesters,) See my sister a little more, pack my apartment, find a job, look at options for places to live. In that mix my goal is to help elect a couple of people to office, an make sure we pass Domestic Partnership legislation in NM.

the next year should be interesting, and busy. I'm looking forward to it, and to documenting it on here...

I'm Doing It Again

I'm doing it again. I'm Coming Out. Coming out as a Gay Man. Today Always makes me a weepy weepy soul. I woke up this morning, blaring THE SONG and danced around while getting ready. I put on my best gay outfit, striped-chic, and even kissed my kids Good Morning! (My kids, Don Miggy and Empress, are my two gay rabbits. Today they were very annoyed that I kissed them, as they were having a rough and tumble argument over whose turn it was to top)

Anyway, today's blog wasn't supposed to be rabbit-erotica.

In the 8 years since I've come out, I've had great moments as a homosexual. I could write all the cheesy and sappy stuff about coming out, and the stories and the work, and the fear of it all, and I no doubt will do that by the end of this post. But first some good things have come of it. My favorite homosexual moments:

The Primary election of 2002 was the first race I got involved in. A woman who had been Chairman of the Democratic Party for many years, and a life long politico in New Mexico was running for Lt. Governor in the Democratic Primary. She ran against a very conservative Democrat who wasn't good on Choice or Gay issues, so of course I supported Diane Denish. She was fabulous, and has been a friend ever since.
A few days after she won the Primary Election was the Albuquerque Pride Festival, and I asked her if she was going to be in the parade. She said, "I'll be in the parade if you'll ride with me!" \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I was astonished, excited, and overjoyed, my first Gay Pride and I was going to ride in the car with the future Lt. Governor of NM!\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I showed up in a purple and white sarong, a white tank top, and purple hair and eye make-up, for the parade on that hot NM summer day. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>As Diane's husband and I were walking to the registration table to get our number for the car, we passed 3 Drag queens, the first I'd ever seen. I, in all my baby-gayness said; well at least here I'm no the freak in the crowd. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>Herb Denish stopped dead in his tracks, turned around to grab my shoulders, and said sternly: "you are not a freak, you have never been a freak, and you will never be a freak. You don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise, you are a beautiful person, and god made you the way he wanted to make you, on purpose. You hold your head up high don't ever think that way about yourself again, be proud. Understood?" \n\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>I swallowed hard, said yes sir, and continued walking.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>Later that night it occurred to me life wasn't going to be as hard as I had always thought. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I would be successful, and happy, and I knew that to be true because of those words of encouragement from a heterosexual man, who was a successful businessman and politico in New Mexico .\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>In 2003, after the Governor and Lt. Governor had been elected, we had had a legislative session that was productive and successful; we had passed an Amendment to the Human rights Act, adding Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity to the legislation. \n",1]
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A few days after she won the Primary Election was the Albuquerque Pride Festival, and I asked her if she was going to be in the parade. She said, "I'll be in the parade if you'll ride with me!" I was astonished, excited, and overjoyed, my first Gay Pride and I was going to ride in the car with the future Lt. Governor of NM! I showed up in a purple and white sarong, a white tank top, and purple hair and eye make-up, for the parade on that hot NM summer day. As Diane's husband and I were walking to the registration table to get our number for the car, we passed 3 Drag queens, the first I'd ever seen. I, in all my baby-gayness said; well at least here I'm no the freak in the crowd. Herb Denish stopped dead in his tracks, turned around to grab my shoulders, and said sternly: "you are not a freak, you have never been a freak, and you will never be a freak. You don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise, you are a beautiful person, and god made you the way he wanted to make you, on purpose. You hold your head up high don't ever think that way about yourself again, be proud. Understood?"
I swallowed hard, said yes sir, and continued walking. Later that night it occurred to me life wasn't going to be as hard as I had always thought. I would be successful, and happy, and I knew that to be true because of those words of encouragement from a heterosexual man, who was a successful businessman and politico in New Mexico .


In 2003, after the Governor and Lt. Governor had been elected, we had had a legislative session that was productive and successful; we had passed an Amendment to the Human rights Act, adding Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity to the legislation.
\u003c/span\>It was no longer legal in New Mexico to fire someone for being queer.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>We decided to celebrate, I was a board member for the Statewide GLBT rights organization and we had a huge party. \u003cspan\> \n\u003c/span\>I dressed up as Super Woman, lasso of truth and everything, to "dispense civil rights" to all attendees.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>The civil rights came in the form of buttons that identified ourselves as gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer, or even straight allies, the idea being that we could proudly be clear about who were without penalty. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>Many members of the progressive community came to this event, including the Labor Union I had worked with previously.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>These bit, butch men all saw me in full drag, Superwoman in the flesh, and were proud of me! They loved it! I still have that picture, no you can't see it!!! \n\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>These are a couple of my most memorable homosexual moments.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>I've been lucky, my parents, all four, are very supportive, my grandparents are all very supportive.\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>My baby sister is defensive of me in public, and had a great time at ABQ Pride this year. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>My friends range from highly elected officials to guys at the bar and every where in between, they are all good friends. The kind who accept me because of who I am, not in spite of that fact. \u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>\n\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>I will be stopping many times today, throughout my day to pray. I will pray that our lives are continuously made more successful and survivable as queer people. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I will pray that that teenager, who works up the courage to come out to his parents tonight, will be received with warm hugs from him Mom, and teary "I'm proud of you" speeches from his father. \n",1]
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It was no longer legal in New Mexico to fire someone for being queer. We decided to celebrate, I was a board member for the Statewide GLBT rights organization and we had a huge party. I dressed up as Super Woman, lasso of truth and everything, to "dispense civil rights" to all attendees. The civil rights came in the form of buttons that identified ourselves as gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer, or even straight allies, the idea being that we could proudly be clear about who were without penalty. Many members of the progressive community came to this event, including the Labor Union I had worked with previously. These bit, butch men all saw me in full drag, Superwoman in the flesh, and were proud of me! They loved it! I still have that picture, no you can't see it!!!

These are a couple of my most memorable homosexual moments.
I've been lucky, my parents, all four, are very supportive, my grandparents are all very supportive. My baby sister is defensive of me in public, and had a great time at ABQ Pride this year. My friends range from highly elected officials to guys at the bar and every where in between, they are all good friends. The kind who accept me because of who I am, not in spite of that fact.

I will be stopping many times today, throughout my day to pray. I will pray that our lives are continuously made more successful and survivable as queer people. I will pray that that teenager, who works up the courage to come out to his parents tonight, will be received with warm hugs from him Mom, and teary "I'm proud of you" speeches from his father.
\u003c/span\>I pray that those pre-teens who are wondering why they are more attracted to their dads friends than they are their moms, or are more interested in watching their old brothers friends play basketball, than actually playing with them, grow into themselves, and into the confidence to accept what that may mean. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I pray for those little girls right now who are playing ball on the playground, because they aren't afraid to get their dresses dirty and wish their moms hadn't made them wear dresses to school anyway. \n\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>I pray that next year on National Coming Out Day, the GSA in Farmington is celebrating their one year anniversary. \u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>I pray that the people who accepted me with open arms, loving hearts and gentle camaraderie over the years are blessed with rewards, and that more people everyday become one of those "straight allies," those whom we need so much. \n\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\>So come out today! And Tomorrow! And the Next day! Be Proud, Be Bold, Be Fabulous!\u003cspan\> \u003c/span\>(And Be careful, glitter in your eyes is a \u003ci\>painful\u003c/i\> thing!!!!)\n\u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\u003cspan\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin:0in 0in 0pt\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\"\> \u003c/font\>\u003c/p\>\u003c/span\>-- \u003cbr\>Marshall Martinez\u003cbr\>(505)363-0152\u003cbr\>1617 Gold Ave SE Apt J\u003cbr\>Albuquerque, NM 87106 \n\u003c/span\>\u003c/div\>",0]
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I pray that those pre-teens who are wondering why they are more attracted to their dads friends than they are their moms, or are more interested in watching their old brothers friends play basketball, than actually playing with them, grow into themselves, and into the confidence to accept what that may mean. I pray for those little girls right now who are playing ball on the playground, because they aren't afraid to get their dresses dirty and wish their moms hadn't made them wear dresses to school anyway. I pray that next year on National Coming Out Day, the GSA in Farmington is celebrating their one year anniversary.

I pray that the people who accepted me with open arms, loving hearts and gentle camaraderie over the years are blessed with rewards, and that more people everyday become one of those "straight allies," those whom we need so much.

So come out today! And Tomorrow! And the Next day! Be Proud, Be Bold, Be Fabulous! (And Be careful, glitter in your eyes is a painful thing!!!!)