A Quick reflection

I Have started and stopped writing multiple times in the last few days. So many things going on that have my mind reeling about where to go and what do share with the world.

Healthcare reform in the SCOTUS… Big deal for people living with HIV/AIDS for sure.

A book that has be feeling an odd reconnection to my Pagan spirituality.  “A Discover of Witches”

Exciting and promising new relationships made real this coming weekend at PRIDE, with Facebook friends…

And my tickets to DC to see the Quilt, have been purchased and I am on my way soon.

But tonight is the candlelight vigil for the beginning of PRIDE in ABQ.   As always this is a spiritual and important event for me.  I have friends, loved ones, mentors and even opposition in some ways who have come before me to do the work that I am doing now.  I hope the ones that are still here are here for a long long time to come and I hope that the ones who have gone have found peace and rest.

This makes me remember one thing, above else, love. Show love. Give love. Make love. To your enemies and your friends, your family and the strangers.  Love. Be well and be proud…

Facing Down Fear

I read The Daily Love email everyday, typically first thing in the morning. 

I had been playing the Thank you game for a while via Oprah everyday.

I meditate and pray every night before bed.

I have set up my altar in my home again (something I hadn’t truly had properly set up in years, long before I met my most recent love interest!)

And I am feeling better about my life.  Two things just popped into my head This morning on my way to work:

A.     I usually would have by now assigned a nickname to the most recent love interest in y life, so that I can talk about him without using his name.

B.     I am healing and ready to face more of my fears down.

The Daily Love email today (and all of this week) has seemed to coincide directly with something I’ve thought about and or done the day before.  I realized some issues within a relationship earlier this week that made me uncomfortable, but was afraid of hurting the person so I was prepared to ignore them when I had this sudden rush of courage to say “you know, I like hanging out with you, but you say these things that I don’t feel good about, and they make me not want to be around you. “ The next day the Email was about setting boundaries to protect yourself and make your life slightly more livable without pain and stress. I realized I’ve never set major boundaries before. I’m trying that now, it seems to be helping.

Well, for the folks who don’t’ know me so well, I have an insane fear of heights, and water.  I like to be in water, love swimming pools, and enjoy the lake etc, as long as I can touch the bottom of the body of water and will have my head above it. (real swimmer mentality I know). As for heights, well, anything higher than the average chair and I’m not so happy about it.

Well I decided it’s a good idea for me to start dating again, if only for the purpose of getting out and meeting new people and seeing what possibilities there are. I’m still so wounded and hurt from “him” that I’m not sure I will ever truly believe in love or trust another man (as I’ve said) but what the hell a bys gotta get laid and the occasionally dinner etc is fun.  So while planning this date, he suggested something more adventurous than the typical drinks at a car or dinner.  After a bit of struggle with ideas and time constraints (after work) etc, we settled on riding the Tram.  I told him this was a major fear and he was very considerate but agreed that a new adventure is always better if it involves fear. (for those curious types the date was great, but definitely a friendship thing, and the tram broke with us on it, and my fear of heights was capitalized upon as we swayed unmoving on the tram line for 30 minutes in 45MPH winds before being brought back down.)

This morning’s TDL email was all about facing fear down. Let go of the fear and embrace the challenges, The things we fear are probably much less dangerous than we thought.

This is a revelation of sorts for me. Last night being trapped almost a mile in the air, swaying didn’t kill me, in fact I learned to capitalize on the rush, and enjoy the view with a spice of adventure. The date didn’t turn out quite the way I had hoped, but there was no end of life with the rejection; chalk it up as not meant to be, and move on right?

I have had a fear for the longest time, of leaving Albuquerque. I have always wanted to do it, but I have been afraid of leaving with so much debt. Trying to make a new life elsewhere. What if I have no friends? What if I hate my job? What if I hate the city? What if it’s a miserable failure?  The last time I thought about moving out of ABQ I was going to move across the country, with him, and he lied to me enough times to make me believe he wanted that, and then crushed me when I was ready to make it happen. When I believed.  It scared me right back into not wanting to leave, because it was exactly as I had feared.  What if I take that step and make that resolve and then I’m not wanted? Well, I’m facing down that fear.  I’m making new contacts and looking into new methods and working on new ideas when I make this trip to DC for the conference and to see The Quilt.  I’m facing down that fear, and I’m moving on.

I will no longer allow fear to control me or stop me.  This is resolved for me.  I am an infinite being, a Child of Hera, A Manipulator of Fire, the ever powerful Leo. I will face the challenges ahead, and do so within my own power.  ;-)  Why not? What’s the worst that can happen? The tram might break? That’s not as bad as I would’ve thought.

A Journey Forward

As anyone who has ever peaked at my blog has undoubtedly noticed, I go through spurts of blogging desire followed by too much activity, or lack of computer access or plain blocking, and don't post for a while.  This is not my first year long sabbatical, but this time I will not promise to be better about posting. I know better.

My last post, very near one exact year ago, I had so many things happening in my life.  That isn’t new nor has it changed since, but the adventures, they are ever-changing.

It has been roughly 6months since I gave up my crown as Miss NM Pride. I learned a lot form that year, but mostly is re-inspired my motivation to become an activist again. Not a political activist, the political world really is too much for my delicate soul. But a community oriented advocate and activist; someone who creates real change within the lives of individuals in their struggles. 

In the time since my last post, a year, I have experienced many emotional and mental changes as well.  I have fallen head over heels inescapably and inexplicably in love with someone.  It was a wonderful time being with him.  I have no doubt that The Goddess has decided to teach me a lesson. I’m not sure yet what the lesson was/is, but suffice it to say this adventure didn’t end well.  I never had trust issue before, but I certainly do now.  I don’t know when I will get over this issue of trust, but it is not likely to be soon.  Nothing hurts more, than believing every word someone says only to have them tell you later, “I didn’t quite mean it I was saying it to make you feel good.  “   I suppose I must have presented the weak side of me to him, maybe it wasn’t really worth it to begin with, but there is no use revisiting the past too much right? Chalk it up to mistakes made, and move on.

And that is exactly what I have done.   Even though my plan was to pack up my life and move across the country for this guy (at his request and urging, mind you) I am glad to have stayed after all.  I have recently taken on a renewed excitement and love for work with HIV+ people and find myself especially excited about new projects I want to see happening in my home state.   I was recently crowned Princess Royale of the United Court of the Sandias (http://www.ucsandiasnm.org/) which is a lot of responsibility but also a lot of exciting potential.  The organization has raised thousands of dollars for amazing charity organizations, and my Empress, Mikayla, is ready to work with me on ideas for new Charities that will help communities struggling in our area.  I am excited about this opportunity, and I think The Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, has granted me an opportunity to heal heartbreak through action, regain trust in many while remembering not to put it in one, and most of all, pursue my dream and calling again. 

A long standing dream of mine. 

The NAMES Quilt (http://www.aidsquilt.org/about/the-aids-memorial-quilt) Has not been in one city since 1996.  That year I saw that it was in DC, being unrolled on the national monument, and swore to myself that I would see it in person one day.  I have seen pieces of it, in museums, and at events, but because it has never been in one place I have never been in the city, in the energy of the Quilt. 

July of this year I twill be in DC again, along with the World AIDS Conference.  I will be going.  I do not know how I will make my journey but I will I will be there and I will feel that energy. 

This is the beginning of a moving forward process.  Moving forward in love, with love toward love. For my fellow human beings.  I do not need romantic love, and in fact probably have too much love for one person to deserve.  Thank you for teaching me that lesson, and pushing me forward toward my real goal in life. Making it better for others.

Please join me on my journey, in the short term, toward the Quilt in July (donations of airline miles and money for a ticket appreciated) and in the long term while I realize the goal of changing the world for people living with HIV and those who have yet to, hopefully never will be, stricken with it.

I look forward to you joining me on this journey, and welcome your input, strangers, friends, and everyone in between…

In peace, solidarity and compassion…