Endings. Beginnings. And all of it in the middle...

Everything, beginning and ending, is really the middle of something…

I am trying to remember that today.  It’s is technically an ending, right another year gone. 

2012. What was that again? I feel like it went by so fast, I remember:

·        a brief night of quiet fun at the social club.

·        a heartbreak after being dumped

·        a severe depression

·        a couple of pageants that were a huge deal that my best friend ran in, some of my proudest moments actually involved helping Madison Eriks with these pageants and watching/reading of her doing so well!

·        Being asked to become Princess Royal, and finally, deciding yes.

·        Beginning to develop new relationship with the United Court of the Sandias Members

·        Finally getting over the depression and meeting a few people

·        The longest string of first dates ever

·        Meeting a wonderful guy that I fell head over heels in love with

·        Going to DC to the World AIDS Conference

·        Raising money all summer and fall for charity

·        Helping over 60 people purchase gifts and meals for their families for the holidays

·        A couple trips to Alamogordo, including one where I reconnected with my mom’s best friend, My Aunt Sandy

·        And a whirlwind holiday season that landed me here… and now…

That sounds like a lot, now that I write it all out… But it doesn’t’ feel like that much. There were a few relationships ended in there, friendships I realized were one-sided, and people I decided I don’t have time or energy for. 

And  that pretty much wraps up the end of 2012.  Sounds kinda finalized, or it feels that way I guess…  but then tomorrow morning brings a beginning. 

Right, isn’t that how it works? 2013 starts and that’s a brand new beginning? What is the beginning of 2013?

Next year I may be running for Empress of the UCS.

I might run for a pageant instead.

I might begin looking for a new job that is more fulfilling.

I will probably be out of “default” on my Student Loans and be able to consider going back to school.

I may find a roommate and begin saving money to move into a better apartment.

I might get a cat. 

But what really begins?  I still come back to the same job Wednesday. I have the same boyfriend after midnight that I had before (assuming nothing crazy happens)

So what’s the big deal?

It’s always been a huge deal to me, this holiday is my favorite for one simple reason.

It’s as much of a new beginning as I want it to be.  And more than enough to be what I need it to be.

Sure, I’m probably not going to quite my horrible frustrating stressful job today, just to see what’s next or what I can find starting Wednesday. And I’m, probably, not to going to just dump my boyfriend or pack up my apartment so that I can start fresh in those things tomorrow… But I can change a lot fo things overnight tonight, starting with the the way I think and process things, and the emotional attachments I have.

This is an opportunity to have a real conversation with my lover, about the way our relationship works and the things I need for it to be better, if it is in fact a problem for me. 

If I don’t love the place I live, I can begin changing it to be whatever I want it to be. The little things for comfort and excitement that make it a better place to be, a happier home.

I like New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day because they mean whatever I want them to.  Sure it’s the middle really; the middle of a life, the middle of a week, the middle of a season, and realistically these “new beginnings” can happen whenever we want them to.  But this, this is a chance to make that push and really force one’s self to do it and do it right.

I’m not necessarily happy about the endings that tonight brings about, and even though they are my choices some of them make me really very sad. But I am excited about the possible new beginnings. Excited about what 2013 will allow me to have I store, for myself.

So to all of those folks out there who have endings happening, bid them farewell and remember they were experiences, relationships, moments to learn and love and be excited and remember. And just because they are ending doesn’t mean they are “over” just that we’re turning the page.  The next page is blank; write it however you feel in your heart! And I wish you a blessed, peaceful, happy and healthy year ahead!

Thoughts

I’m as guilty as the next person, to be perfectly honest.  I’ve always been an advocate of gun control and I tend to assume immediately after  tragedy like the one in Connecticut today, that Gun Control is the conversation e need to be having. I still believe that is true. We need to talk about Gun Control in this country.  Much like we need to talk about Sex, Education, Healthcare, Homelessness, Crime, and about a thousand other things that we have boiled down to 30 second sound bites.

But Gun Control maybe isn’t the answer.  And it took a new friend of mine to point out what the answer really might be in a situation like this. Maybe we ought to think about what causes people to turn ot this behavior in the first place.

We think about these things, we talk about them and the first words out of our mouths are always “what a psycho!? What a Sick twisted person!!!”  And then we grieve as a nation and fight over the guns debate, or whether or not its violent TV shows and video games, or what have you.

Well we are talking about the problem, the very first time reaction we have, we just don’t realize it or stop to be compassionate about it.  We’re right. That a psycho, a sick sick person did this.  But not the kind of twisted evil disgusting sick psycho we talk about.  A human being, with a heart, and a broken organ in their body, a mental illness of some sort that we refuse to treat. 

I haven’t talked much about it, but I recently saw with my own eyes how quickly and traumatizing having a person close to you diagnosed with a mental illness come on.  My step brother, a person I never really cared for recently hit his breaking point.  I always thought he was just an ass, or obnoxious, then just an alcoholic or addict, then just plain annoying and rude again, but he was struggling, likely his entire life with mental illness.  A fairly serious case of Manic Depression; that, in retrospect, ought to have been visited earlier. 

There is nothing that can be done about our past.  My family cannot go back and “see’ what they didn’t see before; we simply have to move forward…

But are we as a nation moving forward yet? Why aren’t we having the conversation about funding mental health programs in this country again?   Crimes like this have been on the rise since we defunded the system completely in the 80s, and we won’t see it stop until we revisit that conversation.

Maybe we can stop talking about the Evil that is in the world, and stop reacting with disgust and fear, and realize that truly this person who commits this act is sick. Needs treatment sick, not needs hatred and punishment sick.  I don’t know all the answers, but I know they are going to take hard work.  Lots of it the hardest, I’m sure, is the first step.

Forgiving the shooter, and moving toward compassion for him as much as for the victims.