I started reading a new blog recently.
Well, I’m not sure if I said that accurately at all. I recently stumbled
upon a returning blogger to my favorite clearing-house of blogs, Poz.Com
blogs. When I read his “I’m back-ish”
post, I decided to go back and read what he had written before. And I fell in love. Not with him, though his picture
is incredibly attractive, he is taken, a top and lives thousands of miles away;
but with his writing.
My best friend is a dancer, was a dancer, dances still occasionally,
and often. I told him to think of the
one video clip he saw, one time, after he quit dancing in a studio, the one
video that made him want to dance. Not just, oh I want to dance. But that
feeling of NEEDING to dance. The feeling
that your muscles were going to start moving without you, you could feel the
studio floor under your feet, you could imagine the feeling of losing your
breath as you leap, needing to dance.
That is how this bloggers writing makes me feel! I want to write like that, I need to write
again, like that. I always had these dreams,
as a child and even young adult, that one day on a shelf in a bookstore would
appear a book with my name on it. I
dunno what it would be about 9i’ve begun an autobiography which is highly narcissistic,
and probably boring as hell- as well as a fictional book of memoirs and
vignettes involving an airplane, one seat and about 20 travelers) but I know that
I like to write and I want people to read what I write.! I started writing about HIV, because it
matters to me, I feel strongly about it, I understand it, and I think there are
many people who read my writing, or would read my writing who wouldn’t know the
things I talk about in my writing, otherwise. But I’m not sure if that is the
right the direction to go. I’m not HIV+ (I think I’ve said that before but
people still talk about it as if I were, which doesn’t bother me but baffles
me), and so I’m not a healthcare expert, I don’t have the personal
perspectives, why should I be trusted to write about such a topic? I’ve considered trying to write fiction, but
I just don’t’ have enough creativity and lasting creativity at that to write
amazing page turning fiction, unless it’s realistic, and even then I run dry. So what’s my problem? And, why in the word would
I want so badly to be a great writer, when I have no real passion for any
particular topic of writing? Can I just write for the sake of writing? I guess,
but what will come of it?
Let’s see….
In the meanwhile one of the posts of this Blogger (
http://blogs.poz.com/jayvithalani/)
wrote before quitting then starting up again was an alphabeticalist.
Best as I can tell he wren through the
alphabet, and for each letter assigned a word that connected to him, memories, characteristics,
opinions, what not and then wrote a short blurb about them all.
Maybe that is a good place to start… Here
goes…
A. A- Type Personality – exactly what I am. Something
I struggle with regularly. On the one
hand I feel like I am often too manipulative, too controlling, too much of a
planner and way to extroverted for the comfort of others. On the other hand I
think the world needs leaders, we as queer people need leaders, even social
groups need leaders, and someone has to step up to the plate, why not me?
(Though most of my friends these days are Drag Queens, in which case there are
too many people stepping up to the plate to be leaders, not enough worker
bees-but that’s probably a blog for another day)
B. Boy – terminology
often used in opposite of girl, or in my case, gurl... Gender issues abound. I’m
not a Man, in the sense of the word that my father’s generation thinks of men,
not in the slightest. But I see “Boy” differently. As opposed to Man. Boy means childhood to me.
And I think I am stuck in between the two. As I approach 30 years old, I like to
think I’m growing up. I, for the most part, take care of my own financial
obligations, I only occasionally call my mama for advice(most people do this
their entire lives - I tell myself) and I put myself to bed at the right times
and bathe regularly and even cook my own dinner. But I don’t *feel* like a
grownup necessarily. I never quite feel like I’m there yet. I’m told as a Leo
that I will feel more in tune with myself in my 30s than any other time in my
life. I hope this is true. For now, “boy”
really is a word I understand as applied to me. Except the penis part. That I get.
And I plan to keep.
C. Change –it’s a
process, right? I like to think life is
a process, that there is nothing consistent about it, except that it is always
evolving. I never thought I would change
my mind about gun control, abortion, or the death penalty. I have, many many
times. Maybe I will change my mind about
being a writer. Right now, I wish I
could change my clothes, these jeans are not comfortable today (it’s Friday,
casual day at work)
D. dignity – something
that I think we give other people, or should give to others. When I think of
dignity, I think of the people who are working the hardest, grossest, least
wanted jobs in the world, which we as a society tend to look down upon. I think
of the elderly, the homeless, the terminally ill, who deserve to die with
it. On their terms, with their own
conditions, or live with it, with their conditions. Meaning don’t pity them, to tell them what is
going to be best for them, but rather tell them that we will be there to
support them in their endeavors and help them reach justice and peace. I think dignity I think immigrants, Women
facing reproductive healthcare decisions, GLBT couples, convicted death row
inmates, and many, many more…
E. Eggs - Random
I realize, but I think of Eggs. They
gross me out to look at, and the thought of what they are makes me a little bit
queasy, however one well friend, with a little cheese and red chile and I’m in
heaven. One of only thousands of random
contradictions I face on a daily basis, I hate the thought of them but love to
eat them. Also, cooking with them can fun! I hear there is an entire semester
at most culinary arts schools dedicated to the ways to prepare them. (I won’t eat them in anyway shape or form if
they are less than totally cooked all the way through!)
F. Formal wear – The
type of clothing I like most, both to see on other people as well as to wear
myself, in and out of drag.
G. Goddess - My preferred terminology, most of the time,
for the Universe or that supernatural, omniscient, omnipotent being that is the
creator, maintenance keeping, being that runs the show. I can’t think of other ways to describe The Goddess
in my view, except to say that it is my preferred terminology because I
associate women with nurturing, caring, helpful and loving beings, and my idea
is that the spirit world is all of that, and then much more!
H. Humming -
something I never did much as a kid, nor did it carry on into my “adult”
life (see boy earlier)
I. Interviews – Something
I’ve always thought I would be good at, a la Oprah or Barbara Walters (but I
would do my own research and not be a chick when I did it. I have always had this dream project for
School, if I were to go back, for an independent study, where I interview all
the female elected officials in NM and get to the root of what motivates women
to run for office, so that I can help come up with better ways to recruit new
ones!
J. Just Because – My
favorite reason to give a person a gift!
K. Kaleidoscope – Something
that as a child, I would look through for roughly 3 seconds before becoming
bored and wanting to see the real world
around me instead. A good indicator of
how I struggle to be a childish adult versus and overgrown child… Make
sense? To me either. Sorry…
L. LaRhya – My drag
Name, but more important the middle name of my favorite nice in the world, whom
I adore!
M. Mama – My best
friend. My Rock. My soul keeper and watcher. The closest relationship I have
ever had is my mother. We share a
birthday, share a personality, and often times share all the complications that
go along with being so close to someone so stubborn, so loving, and no helpful…
N. NO – A word I
rarely use anymore, when asked for something. In fact I can only think of two or
three things in the last year… (no. you don’t’ get to know what they were)
O. Overbearing – something
I was told my personality and method of interacting was for years. As a result I
frequently sit quietly in the corner instead of being in the front of the
group. I didn’t like being told I’m overbearing.
P. Preach – something
I think I would be good at, if I could do so from my very random and eclectic spiritual
journey, mostly about ethics versus morals, etc… Also, something I get accused of doing already,
too often.
Q. Queer - My
preference over the word Gay. Gay isn’t
broad enough for me; I think it doesn’t describe who I am the way Queer does. I
also feel that was about “Hispanic”, “Male”, or “smart”. I like “Chicano, Bio-Male and Intelligent or
Well Educated.”
R. RED – My
favorite color. The color of Blood, fire, life, love, AIDS Awareness, and all
the energies and things with which I like to identify.
S. SEX – Something
I love. Something I like to discuss, learn about, explore, be in tune with,
have, tease about and dream about. In
another life I would’ve been a sex worker (prostitute is a word I don’t like) or
sex therapist. I would love to be the 90 year old gay man version of Dr Ruth to
American society. Not likely, but would
be fun!
T. Top – See above.
Add this to list of identifiers. Enough said.
U. Understanding – something
I seek to find with every relationship I have, be it romantic, familial,
client/patient-provider, platonic, or any mixing of the above. I like to strive
for understanding among all of my fellow human beings, though it can be difficult
at time, more in some times than in others.
Understanding is also something I strive for in my writing, in
communication, not just about the perspective of others and their experiences
or beliefs, but also in the plain speaking way as well. I hate for my writing
to be misunderstood, or for the conversation I’m having to be unclear, so I
often am accused of verbosity because of my desire to constantly reach toward mutual
understanding. (Case in point)
V. Victory – aside
from being the newly adopted drag name of a very good friend of mine, this is something
try to find in my days every day. As
someone who battles SADD (depression in the winter time due to less sunlight,
warmth and hibernation feelings added to loneliness) as well as who has battled
a lower level of loneliness and depression my entire life, I try to see the victories
in everyday, to remind myself that I am able, surviving, living thriving in my
own way and it is not that bad. yesterday’s
victory was that after I went home instead of crawling into bed with a bag of
chips and a movie, I cleaned, cooked, baked, and got some wigs styled! Little
things! Also I survived another day without crying over what I think is the
loss of my lover, a man I feel a love I have never felt before… Day 2 of no tears was nice, but I’ll break
down tonight I’m sure. The Victory will be in getting it together and having
the energy to cry again.
W. What’s next? – The catch-phrase for my
favorite fictional character on TV, well ok one of them. I am a huge West Wing fan
and President Bartlett often, when he is done with something or over the energy
of something, or just in general ready to get fired up asks “what’s next?” I would like to be him someday, not an actor
in a TV show about The White House, but rather the kind of person who doesn’t
beat something to death simply says, ok I’m over it, what’s next?
X. What the hell
starts with an “X”?
Y. Youth – The one
thing I feel fleeting from my body on a daily basis.
Z. Zenith – the image
of a logo for a brand of Television from my childhood, ingrained in my head.
