Actors

When I was younger, my cousins and I took my Grandmother to see the movie Selena! We thought it would be good for her to see the story behind the artist, because it was groundbreaking in her eyes. My grandmother had never seen an artist singing in English so popular among her friends and family, and singing in Spanish so popular among her former coworkers and other white friends. She was amazed. Well my grandmother, though a brilliant and inspiring person, has difficulties understanding lots of things. My most prevalent memory of the experience was that my grandmother was confused by the footage that was real and that which was actors and such. As a result, she always believed that the actress, who played the killer, was the woman who actually killed Selena. Years later she couldn’t understand how the woman was out of jail, and making Made-for-TV movies no less!!!

I never bothered to really correct my Grandmother, in her 80s and now 90s, with grandchildren who are drag queens and openly gay, who have had children out of wedlock, and who have gone to jail for drug dealing, she has so much love, forgiveness and struggle in her heart, why weigh her down with more information that isn’t necessary?

I watched the movie “Precious” today. I finally see what my Grandmother was experiencing. Sure for her it was confusion and mistaken understanding, but for me it is deeper than that. I know in my head that Monique isn’t this horrible evil person, but it will be hard to see her for a while, and not think of an abusive mother…

But other thoughts came to mind while watching this movie too. I think my fondness for and dedication to compassion and unconditional love for humanity has started to take deeper roots in my heart. I feel badly for Precious’ mother. Sure she appears to be evil and horrible; she appears to not care at all about her daughter. But who knows what her struggle is? How do we know what her understanding of the situation is? Precious, at the end of the movie talks about what love has gotten her; two children, from her father, HIV, abuse mentally and physically. But the viewer can see that isn’t love, and the mentor tells her this. She, however, might have never known that to be true. Maybe her mother doesn’t know this. Maybe her mother is only living out the world that she believes to be true.

There are clearly evils and wrongs in our society. There is a lack of education, an lack of understanding, but most of all, there is a lack of compassion in my opinion. My friends, my allies, my peers even my family, so quick to judge a situation or person for their actions, without first asking, “What’s going on in their head, why are they acting this way, and what can I do to help?” I wish I were better about it as well.. I wish we were all better actors if nothing else. If we could act on a daily basis with the amount of compassion and love for each other that Monique acts with hatred and anger then think of how amazing this world would be. Think of the happiness we could experience. If only we could act, if not feel, but act this way… Maybe we would walk around thinking to ourselves, “wow, that _____ is a really great guy!” The way my Grandma thinks that actress from “Selena” Es Una Cabrona Loca!!!!

Games

Games are for children. I remember fondly being a child, playing Uno, and Chutes and Ladders. We played Cowboys and Indians and Circus games and stuff, I of course was always the most powerful character in our make-believe games, and I only played the board games and card games that I knew how to win. I was never much interested in the pureluck oriented games. I don't like the risk of losing.

When I grew up I began to work in politics, and I referred to it as the game. Many of my friends and family would get angry, because they thought it was inconsiderate to refer to it as a game, when it affected people's lives so much. I told them it's about winning. When you win you have the power, and when you have the power you can make things better. Needless to say, I eventually tired of the game, which is why I don't play it anymore... I'm more of a Monday morning Quarterback now a days.

I played the game with men for years. Again I learned the rules, I developed strategies and I played to win. Sometimes winning meant simply achieving a hookup, sometimes it meant building a relationship(however long it lasted) and sometimes it meant simply being the one to walk away first, so as not to be broken. I rarely did the last one well, though I did it. I grew tired of this game as well. As my sister said today, As an adult you only want to play games occasionally, when you're bored and need something to do for entertainment...

But circumstances have changed, I suppose I am bored.

After a little heartbreak and some sad times, I realized I am not going to ever get what I want out of the guy I've been seeing. He seems to like players, and like I said I'm bored... So I'm playing games. I've lost a couple rounds and I've won a couple rounds, but ultimately I will win the game, because I have nothing on the line to lose. I have a little bit of guilt playing this game, because he's a sweet guy. But I watched him play the game and get played and enjoy it all, so my thinking is it seems to be his thing.

I will tire quickly of this game, as I tend to with most but for now it will be my entertainment. It beats a night alone playing Uno against a computer right?