Puzzles

I’ve never liked puzzles.

I hate them.  My grandmother loves jigsaw puzzles and crosswords a little bit.  I remember being tested for IQ/gifted level education when I was really young.  Part of the test was a jigsaw puzzle, of a human face. The test proctor told me to pretend it was my best friend (something I did not have at the time actually) and that I had 30 seconds to put his face together. It was probably 5 pieces.  I’m pretty sure my IQ is much higher than I tested, because I already didn’t want to do the puzzle and I told him so and then he kept telling me try because my friends life depended on it (I had made up the name Tim for this best friend…)and it just frustrated me and angered me. 

This dislike of puzzles has always followed me.  But more than putting one together, I dislike not knowing what the finished product looks like.  Not having the solutions to problems, questions or issues is something I’ve never been able to handle well.  It’s incredibly frustrating to be honest.

So here I am. Sitting here wondering what the missing pieces of the puzzle are telling me, and how to put it together.  With a jigsaw puzzle, you get a picture to go off of. You the end result is a mountain chain, a bridge in Madison County, the whole collection of Disney Princesses or if you are really adventurous some collage of Picaso artwork (hopefully you know why this would be an extremely adventurous puzzle…)  but I don’t have a picture to guide me.  I dunno if the end product is a bleeding Sacred Heart, or a glorious sunrise with birds and imaginary musical notes floating through the air…

I’ve got these smaller pieces floating around on my table, and my usual trick isn’t working. In the past, with puzzles I can’t put together I’ve been able to feel the pieces, and gather the energy from them. They come together well when they need to, when the puzzle is important.  So what kind of horrible fucked up puzzle did you leave me with? 

You’re still leaving those pieces lying around, or you left them long ago, I see them when I walk into a room, I get them in my dreams, lat week there was one in the drawer when I reached for a new color of sewing thread. 

I don’t like puzzles.

And much like this puzzle that had no end in sight, these feelings are unfinished, unclear, and this writing is, unlike the rest, unfinished…