Time for Honesty…

I hate condoms.  I have never enjoyed condoms.  There are very few things I hate more than condoms. Avocados and Mayonnaise are on that list. But not much else.

 I hate being in the moment of having amazing sex and having to stop to put on a condom. I have to find it. Open it, and put it on.  My partner, who only moments ago was kissing me intensely, or whispering in my ear; is now filing his nails, or looking at how messy my bedroom is.  Because he is waiting patiently he has decided it’s a good time to ask me if I’m from NM, and then next thing I know we’re talking and I’ve lost all… “Motivation” and the condom won’t go on at all…

Even worse, for the people who don’t’ know that I’m strictly a top, it’s even worse when I’m with a guy who says “I trust you” or “you don’t need to use that.”

I’m talking real here.  I’m really smart.  I’ve been doing this work for over 15 years now. I know how to prevent HIV and other STIs.  I know having sex without a condom is not smart.  In fact, I know well enough to tell myself in the mirror, every time it happens, “you’re smart than that”.

So what’s the problem?  But more importantly, what’s the solution?

I know I’m not the only one out there.  I know other men my age, older, younger, who know better.  But we do it anyway.  There are times when it’s a mistake, we wake up the next morning and think, and ‘fuck I was drunk last night… oh shit, I didn’t…. Where’s the wrapper? Yeah, no condom… AGAIN’

Those things happen from time to time, it’s clear.  And we know better, but we also know that alcohol, drugs and other factors inhibit our decision making skills…

That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about sober, intelligent people such as myself and my friends making a conscience decision to not use condoms.  Whets the problem? Why do we, knowingly, accept the word of someone who says “yeah I’m negative and STD free”?????  What am I a fool?  I don’t’ believe the word of a stranger in the bar when he brings me a drink already made and says “I didn’t put anything in it” I wouldn’t trust a random guy behind the counter ad McDonalds when he says “let me borrow $20 I’ll give it back tomorrow”.

This is the set of thoughts going through my head as I read about, and form opinions about the new approval of Truvada (and some other Medications) for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis in HIV prevention.

Short story:  If you have insurance that will cover it, and you are working with a Dr who understands it and monitors it closely for complication to liver, kidney and bone functions; And are for whatever reason at higher risk of contracting HIV through sexual contact(such as lack of condom use.)- PrEP is taking Truvada (one of many HIV Meds on the market now to treat HIV.) to reduce your risk of HIV contraction by up to 95% (the percentage is largely based on adherence to the regimen). 

Basically the medication is used to help prevent the virus from replicating in the body’s immune cells.  When taken by an HIV negative person, regularly, and used correctly this help prevent the virus from initially replicating within the body, and therefore prevent actual contraction of the virus. 

What’s the connection to my rant about how I hate condoms?

Well there is and has been a lot of controversy surrounding this particular method of prevention. 

I’ve heard many reasons not to use this, such as “it will just allow people to be more promiscuous or less responsible”

It’s bad for the body in the long run.

It’s immoral to use an expensive treatment barely available to people who are HIV+, for people who merely don’t’ want to contract the virus.

I worry about the where we are headed with regards to the battle again HIV. (This isn’t news to anyone who reads my posts regularly)  We are not getting better about prevention efforts, it would seem, as we are still seeing an increase in new contractions/transmissions (I should discuss this later; we often see the term transmissions used to describe new infection, but rarely contractions.  As if the onus is always on the person giving the virus to someone, rather than the person getting the virus-just an observation for another day…)

So if the rates are going up still, especially among gay and bisexual men, and even among those in my age group who probably know better, then we’re doing something wrong.  Right?

I heard the term “condom fatigue”, recently.  That’s probably what I have. I’m tired of it. I’ve been talking about them, and handing them out, and using them since I was 14… (OK I wasn’t using them at 14, but you get the point) I’m tired of always having to be responsible? (That’s probably not quite it, though it makes sense)

I’m tired of thinking about it. Of reducing the fun, the pleasure and the experience.  I’m tired of knowing that there is no such thing as random sex with a loved one, unless you walk around the house with condoms just taped to your chest. 

I enjoyed one of the most amazing sexual experiences ever, in the middle of cooking dinner once… We barely had enough time to turn the stove down and hit the living room couch.  It was sensual, and romantic and loving and wonderful. But there were no condoms around, or used.  Don’t all couples deserve to have that? Without the risk, or with lesser risk of contracting HIV?  PrEP is the perfect addition to the relationship for things like that, in some cases.

The worst thing, for me, is that we are seeing a split in attitudes, among advocates and Poz people and the general public. 

On one hand we see an incredibly powerful “anti-stigma” movement happening right now. We talk more about loving people with HIV and treating them with respect and kindness and compassion. We talk about reminding them that they have a long life ahead of them and there is nothing wrong with them. And that they are not paying for a mistake, or being punished in anyway, they merely have contracted a virus and deserve treatment for it. 

But then we say to the greater public, folks who are not positive yet, you don’t deserve this medication, this potentially life-saving prevention methodology because we think you will abuse it. You will just decide to never use condoms, or be a whore, or figure you’re perfectly fine to do whatever you want.

I recall hearing this same argument from radical anti-feminists/sexist men who believe that offering the pill to women free of charge would then allow them to be morally degraded sex objects (by their own choosing) because pregnancy would no longer be an issue.

So I pose this question?

What is the solution?

Gay, bi men and Trans folks are getting HIV at incredibly high rates, and they “know better”…

So do we finally change our outlook on PrEP and other prevention/harm reduction methodologies? Or do we keep telling people condoms is their only option, and they deserve to get HIV if they don’t’ use them.

Aside from the financial impact on the healthcare system which still is not fully nationalized enough.

And the impact on the decreasing number of HIV docs/Clinics, in the SW, if not everywhere.

Aside from the difficulty we will have controlling the virus ten years down the road if we continue to allow the number of new infections to sky-rocket out of control (how will we effectively eradicate a virus-even with a cure-if so many people have it we can never reach them all with said cure?)

My question is, who among my friends, loved ones or family members would tell me, to my face, that after years of working so hard to prevent HIV transmission/contraction; after working with Patients in my job, voluntarily and as a friend/lover of them; after watching me raise literally thousands of dollars to help non profits make services available to these patients; that I deserve to get the Virus because I chose not to use a condoms every single time?

Who among my friends, family and loved ones would deny me this opportunity?  I ask, because it’s not a hypothetical question, or theoretical or philosophical. Its real life. It’s our brothers and Sisters, and they are not positive yet.  Are YOU going to be the one who tells them, “Use a condom or you get what you ask for?”

I certainly couldn’t.

Shared Birthdays, and so much more...

I always think most of my Mother on my birthday.  Partially because she was really responsible for making such a day happen, but it’s more than that with me.  I have had the pleasure, the joy and the excitement of celebrating 29 of them with my mom, as it is her birthday as well.  My mother is the most influential and amazing person in my lie.  (This honor is closely followed by my baby sister, Cheyenne – but she’ll get her attention on here in a couple months…)

My mother has not lived an easy life, by any stretch of the imagination.  And though every mother faces struggles, and all women are to be applauded for the efforts at child-raising, I have experience with this one.

My mother, I have no doubt, had dreams as a young person.  I have learned, in my own ways, that my passion for writing probably came from her, she was quite the writer when she was younger. My love of reading, and skill at reading quickly and adeptly, definitely came from her.
When I was a child my mother struggled as a single mom on a few occasions.  My mom never allowed me or my life to suffer, no matter how little she had monetarily.  I know people all over who have stories about the sacrifices their parents made to create a healthy happy life for their children.  But I know for a fact that My mother hurt deeply over the sacrifices that she thought weren’t enough.  Be it the Mother-Son connection, the shared birthday or the fact that we were just always close, but I was always able to see the secret pain hidden away in my mom’s eyes when she felt she hadn’t given me enough.

There are a thousand reasons that my mom struggled so much, but I’d rather not dwell on the negative aspects of my childhood and life, rather the amazingness that is my Mom. 

The thing about being so close to one of your parents, is that when you fight you do so fiercely.   My mom and I never had small arguments, even if they started that way they always ended with some of the worst screaming matches in recorded history.  I remember one particular day when my uncle and other family members upset me, and I spoke my mind and my mom and I later fought about it.  It was a fierce fight, and it ended badly. The result was that we didn’t speak for roughly 3 months.  I let her know occasionally via text that I was ok, or we communicated important news through my Grandmother.  But we never caught up.
Looking back on all the things I’ve done and haven’t’ done in my life, that 3 months was the most regrettable of my life.  I cry every time I think of what might have been the case if anything had happened to my mom since then.

There are a thousand more happy memories than negative ones in our lives together.  Days spent shopping, dinners cooked together.  Nights she nursed me, even as a teenager because I have never been good at being sick (I whine a lot)  And firm punishment (usually quickly stepped down a notch) because I never did my chores….
I recall the day she found out I have been forging signatures on my report cards, changing my grades so  I wouldn’t get in trouble for my laziness, and how her punishment for that was the most evil effective punishment ever devised.  I remember the very very short amount of time it took her to handle the fact that I’m gay, and how quickly she reminded me of the love she has always had and will always have for me.  The welcoming attitude she has had toward all of the men I have attempted to develop long relationships with.  Even the ones she knew weren’t right for me, she always allowed me to try anyway.

I am sure I can go on for days and days about the amazing things My mother has done for me, and her entire family. 

But the most important thing I have to say is that I can’t imagine being anything without my mother.  She is my rock, she is my best friend, she is my mentor and healer, my comfort and protector. My mother is everything to me, and on this-our shared birthday- and every day I thank god above for the blessing that is the most amazing Mother in the World.

I was once told I do not tell her often enough how proud I am of her; she always did so for me.  But I will never make that mistake again. I am proud of my mom for taking care of her health recently, and succeeding as a major goal physically! I am proud of my mom for handling not one, but two teenagers now, presenting different issues and stressors, and not murdering either one of us (though I know she’s come close with us both). I’m proud of my mom for holding together a family with tenuous relationships at times. For always being a fierce Lioness when her children are in trouble, and a loving caring mom when they are hurting. I am proud of her for teaching her children to be such amazing individuals.

I am proud of my mom for a thousand and one reasons.

I love you Mama so so so much and Happy birthday to you, thank you for being you always!!!!

Quick thought

As I search for new inspiration about to how address my feelings in a more eloquent and articulate manner I find myself thinking about relationships a lot.  How I air in them, what my coping mechanisms are for losing them and whether or not I’ll ever really be experienced at navigating them.

My post yesterday (removed) had an incredibly negative energy about it.  And while I’m not necessarily backtracking on what I said, or how I feel, I think the negative energy only swirls around itself and grows, and that is not what I want to invite more of into my life.

So I’m spending the next few days analyzing this a little more, and wondering about why I seem to do so poorly with loss, why I can’t handle transition well unless I initiate it, and for the love of God how to explain observations without hurting the feelings of people I love.