Pathetic

Have you ever had a falling out with a friend, not really sure why it happened?

I went through this a while back, and it was one of the many catalysts for my "New Marshall" regime.
Well when I am done with someone, I just tend to be done with them. I don't have a lot of energy to be wasting on the people who are too Pathetic to matter in my life...

Pathetic, however, is not only a character but also that characters best describer...

SO Pathetic hasn't gotten over me and I think thats....well....pathetic. I wish this person the best in life...

Of course I think the best in life comes with therapy, and drugs. But I'm not the person who gets to dictate these decisions....

Anyway, Pathetic isn't something I want to be, nor is a drama queen really my MO.

If you are interested in continuing to read my blog, which will be both political and personal in the future, feel free to Email me and I'll give you the new link...

My life and my blog are not about creating drama. The blog is geared toward strengthening writing skills and venting my emotional escapades...

I will not allow this to be turned into Pathetic's own drama creating tool.

Azulymarron@gmail.com

If you really want to continue reading let me know, I'll be happy to continue to share with people who aren't Pathetic.

Too Kind...

Internet PenPal was correct in his comments about MD. Ridiculous. Long story shortened is that I found out a lot about him today that made me lose a lot of respect for him.

I'm not going to go into details about it, because it would be inappropriate and wrong. However, suffice it to say I'm over that. That's for sure..

The three loyal readers that I have, wil recieve an email soon letting them know more details.

For now my sinus infection/cold/allergies are killing me so I'm going to bed.

Good night

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

So I have to say this idea of writing a book sucks.

I have all of these good ideas all the time in my head that just throw themselves at me, it's like its all I was born to do. The problem is they throw themselves at me at the WORST times! I can't stop and write when the ideas are flowing in my head.

Then there are times like this weekend, when I set time aside to write...
...
...
...
...

Yup thats what I get! I can't for the life of me remember what those ideas were when i was haluing ass on the freeway, or making phone calls for Michelle.

I'll be trying to make myself write more later this weekend. For now, I'm going to rest my mind...

Monday Less-of-a-Dissapointment

Well I have to say my expectations were crushed. I had invited him over, and he said I'll be there after work we'll cook together... I thought that was a bold promise, knowing it wouldn't hold...

It was noonish when he first texted me to ask if he could come a little bit later. I wasn't surprised at all, to be honest. he said his ex, who is still his friend needed to do laundry because he had no cash and was wearing dirty clothes, so he offered his place up to him. He wanted to come right before Ugly Betty at 7. I said sure.

I'm a good guy, it should be known that I really think I go above and beyond. This shows often, but most in this particular case, when i heard his friend was jobless, cashless, and needed a place to do laundry i figured he needed a place to eat as well, so I invited him along. Thankfully, honestly, he declined the offer.

So the next set of text messages came at 6:00 when he asked if I wanted to go to his house to cook because his friend had just gotten there. I had the perfect excuse, though its at all untrue, he just got a new cat and I can't be in a house with a cat. So I told him that, and that i knew i had everything i needed at home and might not have it all at his place. He said he's be a little late then, but he'd kick "X" out soon and come over early as he could.

This was when I realized I was eating alone. That's OK, I was ready to be done with it anyway. But I figured that's the way its going to be, and I'll cope with it.

So I figure I'll wait to eat until Ugly Betty is over, on the off chance he shows up, but also because by the time I was done cooking it was on and I didn't want to miss it making and assembling my plate (red enchiladas, because as my loyal readers know, red chile is a therapeutic cooking exercise for me)

Then, Ugly Betty is half over, and I'm pretty convinced that he's not coming when he calls, to say he's on his way and should be pick anything up on the way. . . *jaw drops* ( I should have said cigarettes, but I forgot)

My heart leapt when he walked in. I'm so not over him. I can't figure it out, I think I really need to step back an analyze the things that Database and I recently talked about...
(Database is an old friend, who i recently worked with in an office for a few months, and is both a database genius, but also a wealth of knowledge about life and situations, and emotions... My girls know him...)

We talked about me figuring out how to stop viewing my single-ness as a failure of mine, but rather a series circumstantial things, and a series of men who don't know what they have...

I have to get my mind wrapped around it like that...I am just not sure how. Its easy to say, not to do...

We watched Ugly Betty and Grey's, ate our dinner, had a glass of wine, and chatted, we even cuddled. It was nice. He agreed we should do this weekly, watch these shows together, dinner when possible. It was a sweet thought, but I figured he wasn't serious...

Then when he left he took out his Missouri ID, that B girl stole from right before leaving, and set it on the desk.

"I'll leave this here, so you know I'm coming back" he said.

so here I am, ready for bed, listening to Reba Duets online, waiting patiently for the CD to arrive in my mailbox.

So Maybe I will go to bed alone, maybe I will grip my pillow and wish I wasn't alone.

Maybe I will wake up alone, and try to figure out why.

But for now, at least I know Thursdays are better than Mondays---because he's a little more reliable on Thursdays apparently...

Just Dunno...

I began reading a new blog recently, it totally sucked me in like a fucking Patricia Cornwell novel.



Shades of Gray is an interesting blog, that cannot be pure truth. If it is, then this guy is 70 and cramming 50 years of sexually active life into a two year storyline. That's OK... His writing is amazing, and whether he is speaking from purely personal experience, or what he sees among others, or just his personal readings, and thoughts on love, he makes good points and tells good stories.



Maybe this is a good place to say, if you're reading this post because you think it will be profound or poignant, stop here... I'm not sure where this is going to go, i just felt the need to write...



So Shades of Gray has been a source of instructional knowledge for me. Its writing i can read and enjoy, and its fun not to mention hot...



anyway, there was a line in one post, somewhere in there, that resonated with me:

Maybe it really is possible to like someone the next morning...



Well I learned over the summer that was the case...



Picture It Sicily 1920 (ten points to the reader who catches that reference!!!)

No really, Marshall-Palooza 2007, August:



My friends had planned and helped to implement an AMAZING weekend long party for me, many people participated and it was a blast. The Saturday night festivities included the usual trip to my favorite bar... Always a good time.



Margaret, a good friend of mine (actually a Republican gay man, don't ask) was chatting with me and I was drunk and i pointed at a hottie and said, i want him for my birthday... well for the first time in my life immediate gratification...



Margaret marched over to him, told him it was my birthday and he should go home with me, and well he did. It wasn't quite that easy, it took a little conning on my part, but not a whole lot thank goodness...

Monday Disappointment, he has now been re-named, was amazing. He was great in the sack, I'm not going to deny that. But more importantly, he was funny, and he was a nice guy. And yes I was drunk, but it still felt good to cuddle with him afterward, I usually pull away from my partner at some point through the night, and wake up on opposite sides of the bed, rarely has that not been the case. I woke up late, uncomfortably hot, and still wrapped up tightly in his arms.

MD proved to be a good guy on the drive home, to his house, in the middle of nowhere, which made us late for breakfast. he was a good guy who understood the type of work i do, and the things i like. he was funny, and cool, and i like that combination. We spent a few days here and there hanging out, but things just didn't quite work out for dating. He is still a friend, and I look forward to hanging out with him tonight, as friends, but that part of me that can't be closed off is still open for him, hungry for affection, for love, for safety, for hot--uncomfortably hot, cuddling throughout the night...

Fast Forward to a whole new episode:

We met online, typical fags...

We spent the weekend, a week actually texting and chatting on the phone, getting to know each other enough to decide we were worth a date.

Strong, muscular body, cute face adorable smile, all the things physically that knees of gay men buckle over...

"What was the last book you read?" (this is the question that usually kills my dates, as I'm not interested if the answer is "The Life Times and Crack Habits of Paris Hilton")

"A Soldiers Story- a coming of age story about a soldier's first love during the WWII with an Austrian soldier"

WOW

"I'm going shopping" he says

"buy me something pretty!"

"A mirror?" (Who the hell says things like this? Who the hells says things like "a mirror" when you ask for something pretty?!?!?! Thats a line straight out of Sleeping Beauty, only written by someone with wit!)

It was an amazing date, great kisser, wonderful cuddler, brilliant wine choices(he even remembered that i love dry red wine, without asking)

It was fabulous, until the next morning.

"I don't thin I want to ever see you again"

"Hmmm?" I said, while stirring my coffee...

"We aren't meant to be together, and I really like you, I could easily fall in love with you, and that means that to protect you and me both, we can't date. We can be friends or whatever, but nothing more. If you hate me I understand, I'm sorry. I have to go to work"

WTF?!?!?!?!?!

So tonight I'll go home to cook dinner, and I'll use my new mirror to touch up my make up. And Monday Disappointment will come over, and I'll have Jaguar(that's what we'll call him) on my mind, and I'll have Galan on my mind, and I'll be wishing I could sleep with MD... We'll eat red enchiladas, because cooking the Red Chile is therapeutic, and we'll watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy, and He'll go home. And I'll once again crawl into my bed alone, reminding myself:

If nothing else, I know I'm not the failure...Right...right? There's nothing wrong with me!!!!

And then I'll roll over into my Doubt-tightly gripping the pillow that replaces a lover--and fall asleep...