Change, work, Psychics and Healing

It is common theme in my life, and I’ve recently learned that is exactly appropriate! I am a Leo, inf act, triple so, a Leo.  And apparently one of the more exciting characteristics for us, is that we love change and challenge. Surprise!

I recently had a psychic reading, and the things she discussed with me, blew my mind, to say the least.

I have a friend, Tommy Lee.  He is an older gay gentleman, who I absolutely love and have adored as a personality at The Club for years.  His partner became ill recently, and finally on Christmas Morning passed away.  I can only imagine the pain that one would go through, after 30plus years with a person, to have to watch them and experience this loss.  I have such heartache for Tommy Lee.  He has decided that he needs to move on, to find employment and build a life somewhere that is not wrought with memories of things he did with Joe.  And I understand that.  It is a form of moving on, and learning to live again, in a new way.  I wish I had the ability to do this more easily. But apparently, letting go is something this Leo hasn’t quite mastered yet.  When I read on facebook this morning that he was packing the truck, and departing this evening for his new life, I lost it a little bit.  This is normal right? I mean watching a friend leave, is a big deal…

So letting go, seems to be the problem right?  I love the new challenge! I love being able to say, this is something I’ve never done and I’m going to tackle it! I’m taking that mountain-head on-battle of wits, test of strength I’m there! But as long as I don’t’ have to say goodbye to this other adventure, I think its finished but I’m not sure, one hundred percent, and well if its not I don’t’ want to abandon it, because that would be failure, so lets just keep that door open as well!

This isn’t healthy, and seems to be holding me back, in my pursuit of new things in my life… 

So my psychic reading taught me a thousand things, and I highly recommend seeing this fabulous and amazing woman, if you ever have the chance. I’ll be happy to share her information.   Among the things we discussed was that I have pushed myself past things in my past, injuries, that I never processed or allowed myself to understand, and therefore never healed from the injuries.  She gave me two time periods that had this affect on me, one regarding relationships and the other regarding my work life and career. 

Today I want to focus on the love life issues.

Backstory: (yesi’m writing this for myself, but if you’re reading ti I want you to understand, right?)

I grew up with four parents. Well, 3parents, and an additional figure that is not to be discussed. 

My mom and stepdad(randy) wee together for essentially, my entire life, as well as my father with his companion of sorts, (chris).

I lived with My mom and Randy.  I have always been incredibly close to My mom. Randy, well not so much really.  In fact when I was kid I really disliked him, hated him at times.  I thought he was mean, and strict, stubborn, rude and disrespectful to me, I thought he had it out for me and always felt like he was trying to make me something I wasn’t ever going to be.  I’m not sure that this is accurate, merely my perception of things.

In looking back he probably felt he same way.  He was always accusing me of lying about things, and I probably was, but I think now his intuition was strong and he wasn’t accusing me of lying about everything little thing, but about something big.  And when we both figured out what that was, (I’m gay, btw) it all clicked into place.  After I came out we hit a stride, and our bond became strong.  I realized he DOES love me for who I am, just wasn’t happy that I wasn’t’ being who I am.  And I really DO look up to him and love him and admire him, I just didn’t know how to say that to him because I wanted to hide that side of me I thought shamed him.

Well all of that is backstory and not unimportant but is a part of who I am.

So while having my reading recently, I brought up relationships.  Melissa, the person doing my reading, told me she felt hurt or pain or shifting in foundations when I was about 8 or 9 years old… I couldn’t’ at first identify it, but eventually, with confirmation from My mom, I figured it out.

My mom and Randy split up at that time.  It was temporary, but it happened.  And I pretended to be happy about it.  In fact, at the time I was glad about it! I didn’t have to have him around all the time, and I finally got my mom to myself, I was finally going to be allowed to be the Mama’s boy I was always accused of being (by the way, let this be a lesson to parents out there, there is nothing wrong with having a mama’s boy anymore than there is something wrong with having a Daddy’s girl.  And you will never FORCE masculinity into your child in a healthy manner. You will only force fear and pain into them. Just let them be as they are! It’s how GOD made them, don’t try to fix God’s creation!).  I was free from him!  Three cheers!!!  Well… that’s what I told myself. I was young but we are resilient s children, and we learn early early early on in life, how to survive in our heads, in our hearts, through almost anything.  My survival method has always been to just force my negative, into a positive.  And I did that so well, that I doubt I ever even gave it time to become a negative, it was just a positive.  But this isn’t true.  I was frightened. I was scared as fuck, to be exact.  We ahd never been alone, and I did’t know hwo to protect My mom yet.  How dare he? How dare he leave my mom alone! How dare he walk away, or worse, push us out and on our own! My mom is a delicate creature, strong but delicate, and she didn’t’ deserve that! We were broke, we were scared, we were in danger and we were in turmoil. And that was all his fault!  I do not know how I processed this at the time but I’ve put ti so far behind me.

I think the take away, for now, while I’m nly beginning the work on this, is that we were in a bad place without him. I blamed him for leaving, and I think I blamed myself, or I certainly do now, blame myself for him leaving. I was so awful to him.  And when he came back(he did come back) I didn’t treat him better, but in retrospect I was relieved.  And I learned something, that maybe I shouldn’t have learned so young.

It’s fixable. Always. It was awful, horrible and scary and wrong, but they fixed it, we as a family fixed it!  So all things are fixable!!!  All you have to do is try.

Flash forward….

I have two major problems. I am scared to death to be alone.

And I want to fix everything in every relationship all the time.

I am always dating, always searching for the protector, the comfort-er, the other half that makes things whole and pure and okay again. 

And secondly, whenever things look like they might be cracking, even a little bit, I am never the kid who says “well lets see if this sand castle holds even with a crack or two.” My approach is to pack more sand, use water, quick try drying it a bit, no, ok try this and I work to fix fix fix.  Why can’t I leave it alone? Some castles of sand will crumble. That’s okay. The right one will hold. It will hold forever, like the brilliant and amazing sand castle I made at the Lake one summer with My stepdads friend, who died a couple years later. Who I looked up to so much. He helped me build the perfect sand castle, and it stayed all day long, perfectly in shape. Everyone else went to do whatever, but he and I worked and worked until it was perfect. My sand castles since then have not always been perfect, some crumbled, some got destroyed by waves, and I tried to fix them always.  But not all things are meant to be fixed.  My parents relationship was. It was for them. It was perfect but ti had faults, cracks, the cracks were sealed back up, in time.  I have figured out my two problems.

Not every sand castle is perfect and stable, and I can’t fix them all, in fact rushing to fix them probably damages them worse.

And I have to learn to not be scared, not to be so nervous about being alone.  Being alone for me isn’t what ti was for my mom. And in fact it probably wasn’t as bad for my mom as I imagine it!  But it is time to figure out, for me, how to overcome these problems!

A few actions steps have already been taken, and for the first time in my life that I can remember, I qm actually acknowledging that I had pain, and I had fear, and it did bother me! Now I can start to heal that wound and move past it!

Thank you Melissa! 

Next on my list is the career and drive for my life calling!