Loss...

I recently spent some time dating a man who is HIV Positive. It really shook some of my friends and family up emotionally, and I got lots of lectures about it… I was told I was everything from stupid and irresponsible to too much of a pushover and too quick to love. Those things are all true, but none of them as a result of that decision.
He broke my heart and did so without a care in the world, but that’s ok. The harder part has been since we broke up.
I found that some people in my community were telling each other that they thought I must be trying to become positive, because why else would you date someone who is….
Well, How about because you care for them. How about because you learn to love people for everything they are, not in spite of, and you certainly don’t write a person off because of one condition that they are already struggling with. How about because It’s a virus, a disease not stamp of immorality, or a reason to walk away from the potential for something beautiful? It didn’t work out, most relationships don’t, in fact, the chances of a healthy happy relationship are so slim, I dare say the HIV was the least of the issues we dealt with.(he was kind of a flake and immature beyond belief)

I later found out that someone in particular was telling everyone in my hometown that I’m the “guy who gives people AIDS, and doesn’t tell them.” Well this infuriated me, but not for the reasons one might think. I have never, nor will I ever be ashamed of who I am. I tell the truth, I am honest with my partners and my friends, and I always have been. I did not contract the virus, from this man or anyone else, I am still HIV Negative, Thank the Gods… But that is not the point. I know people who aren’t. I am incredibly close to, and love dearly people who have to live with that striking reality every morning when they wake up, or every night when they take their pills. It is not an easy life. I don’t care that I have a reputation for being Positive, if asked I’ll be honest and if you don’t believe me that is your loss, not mine. But I have an issue with a person who will say such damaging and hurtful things about me, because they dislike me. What would they say about my Brothers and Sisters who are really facing this awful future?

For the record, it is a federal offense to tell someone else’s status, whether positive or negative, whether you know accurately or not. To tell another person’s HIV status as you think it to be true, or lying maliciously, could cost you years in federal prison. I have chosen, for now, not to press those charges against this person. But I am thinking about it.

To end this all, I took a rapid results HIV test yesterday evening. It came out Negative. The requisite number of weeks to wait after any sexual contact with the person who was positive, and the test is 100% accurate when it reads negative. I am relieved, obviously, about the results. But this has had me thinking so many things.
Why have I worked so hard, for such a long time for this community to feel this betrayal and this kind of hatred? I feel embittered, and I feel jaded, and I feel angry. But most of all, I feel a sense of loss….

With open arms...

What a day!

Today was a blast from the past that I hadn’t expected to enjoy so much. I took a little road trip to old stomping grounds, Santa Fe, the roundhouse to be exact. For folks who don’t know this, I used to be a full time political junkie (with a lightly more professional title usually) who spent most waking moments during our legislative sessions, in our roundhouse lobbying and working and net working. I developed many meaningful and powerful relationships up there, and today I was reminded just how long-lasting they would be. After two years of not being in the building, I couldn’t walk ten feet without someone giving me a huge hug and telling me how much they missed me. It was good, no great, to know that I still have a family.

The high-light was taking the ride with two friends. My Empress will always be an amazing and inspirational person in my life. I met her a few years ago, and I can’t believe how little time has passed given everything we’ve been through. She is a role model in our community, with a sordid past that she owns proudly, and a passion for helping in our community that is unrivaled.

Gymrat, is an old character in my life. We hated each other for years, for no particular reason I think, but recently we were forced to open our minds, and put aside our differences to work together. We have grown to respect and love each other greatly through this process and I am excited to have him in my life.

The drive to and from Santa Fe with My Empress and Gymrat was philosophical, it was mind-blowing and it was heartening. I arrived at home feeling renewed and refreshed!

Then the evening began. And all I can say is that Fishhook has me, line and sinker! His childishness, silliness are uplifting. His maturity and intellect are invigorating. And tonight I saw a side of him that I hadn’t experienced just yet… I was amazed, and excited… I will gush more about him later, but for now I must pack my bag and head to his place… I can’t wait for the cuddling and sleeping and all the amazing things to be expected tomorrow…

Back...Again...

I began blogging again with a couple of poems. No one will ever know about whom I wrote those, it will be like my own personal Carly Simon Moment.

My life has taken twists and turns and steep drops and long slow climbs since I last posted on this blog. I still have many of the same friends I have always had, I have made new ones and I’ve lost some along the way.

I have taken drag to a much higher level for myself; LaRhya Daniels is now Miss NM Pride, and performing regularly at the SOCH in ABQ. I have since had a two marriage to a man that still do and always will love. I have had relationships come and go, around those, damaged myself emotionally and physically over them, and lost track of where they are after they crushed my heart.

I have had to tell people to remove themselves from my life, hoping they respect that choice, but also hoping they understand the reasons. I have had to break my own heart time and time again, and I have grown from each one…

I’m not sure where exactly to go with this first narrative posting, except to say that I am much older in experiences and much more mature in my own head than I was a few years ago.

In re-reading the latest blog posts, a few things struck me.

I recently reconnected on Facebook with Galan. He hasn’t spoken directly to me yet, except to approve my friend request, seeing him on Facebook was kind of a shock to me though.

Monday disappointment still occasionally texts me. He stopped when he knew I was married, though he picked up again not long ago, just to see what was up. He has moved back home to the south somewhere, to be with family. It is better for him I think.

I never see BBQ anymore, except occasionally at large GLBT events in the city, his drag has improved as has mine, but mine is still better… :-P

There are new characters in my life, all with creative names, or names that I hope are creative enough, that I’ll undoubtedly introduce and talk about soon, including; Fishhook, Misfortune, Passion Embodied, Painted, Sister and many more! I still have a close relationship with “A-Game” though we are more disconnected these days, as she is in Austin in Law School. My Girls, are around, I live with one and the other is in MA having a great time I have no doubt!

I am looking forward to writing on this again, regularly. I hope I will get back some of my loyal readers, though I have low expectations, this will be writing mostly for me.

To those of you out there wondering if you are a character in the stories of my life, you probably are, but you may never know which character you are, or what role you play, until it is over… I have learned this much, we never know our roles in the lives of others, nor their in ours until we are looking back years or decades later. For hindsight, truly is 20/20, and present vision is the blurriest. Goodnight for now, and God Bless….

Loss

I sleep clothed in your memories
I wake in the tears of your abandonment
I walk daily in the web of love you wove for me
I fall nightly in the betrayal you taught me
I rise with the sun in the confidence you gave me
I fall in the light of the moon in the hole you dug for me
I cry to the stars for what i wish you'd been for me
I pray to the bright blue sky for the strength to move beyond the you, for me
I live with me everyday of my life
to live without you, is my hardest strife
i lift my head more and more each day
for healing, happiness, health and love, for us both-i will continue to pray
You did not break me
I am still here
and i feel your passion, even though you're nowhere near
My life will be long, for my soul it is strong
Though I try to blame you, you have done no wrong...
The love you gave was the ultimate prize
but i am still not prepared to see, so I won't open my eyes
You had me figured out, so this is no surprise
please don't hate me for what I couldn't do
but most of all, just know I still love you...

Innocence

He was prepared to teach him, so many things.

He saw innocence in his face, and naïveté in his eyes.

The man saw a boy, and the boy saw nothing.

He tried to teach him, the knowledge of his age.

He tried to strip him of his innocence, take him down that path.

The man tried to ruin the boy, not out of spite, but habit.

The boy played innocence well, taking from the man a dream.

The boy acted as student, as he tore the man down, brick by brick.

The boy ruined the man, not out of spite; but out of necessity,

For the man saw a boy-and the boy, he saw another flight of fancy,

The boy saw a quick trip, and the man saw nothing, until it was all gone.

The Smile

His eyes, are a stormy sea

His skin comforting milk

His arms, chainmail

His heart like a bonfire on a freezing night;

But his smile, his smile was the fishhook

I tread those dangerous waters, without a care for my own life

And I drank that milk knowing it was poison

I wore that chainmail into battle, with every hole and tear in it

And I warmed myself at that fire, standing so close it burned;

But I never expected that hook, until it pulled me to my death

Out of my safe waters, and into a world unknown, a place where the rush of adrenaline was dizzying and exciting, until I was overwrought, and saw only blackness. Nothing. Lost.

It was the Smile.