Facing Down Fear

I read The Daily Love email everyday, typically first thing in the morning. 

I had been playing the Thank you game for a while via Oprah everyday.

I meditate and pray every night before bed.

I have set up my altar in my home again (something I hadn’t truly had properly set up in years, long before I met my most recent love interest!)

And I am feeling better about my life.  Two things just popped into my head This morning on my way to work:

A.     I usually would have by now assigned a nickname to the most recent love interest in y life, so that I can talk about him without using his name.

B.     I am healing and ready to face more of my fears down.

The Daily Love email today (and all of this week) has seemed to coincide directly with something I’ve thought about and or done the day before.  I realized some issues within a relationship earlier this week that made me uncomfortable, but was afraid of hurting the person so I was prepared to ignore them when I had this sudden rush of courage to say “you know, I like hanging out with you, but you say these things that I don’t feel good about, and they make me not want to be around you. “ The next day the Email was about setting boundaries to protect yourself and make your life slightly more livable without pain and stress. I realized I’ve never set major boundaries before. I’m trying that now, it seems to be helping.

Well, for the folks who don’t’ know me so well, I have an insane fear of heights, and water.  I like to be in water, love swimming pools, and enjoy the lake etc, as long as I can touch the bottom of the body of water and will have my head above it. (real swimmer mentality I know). As for heights, well, anything higher than the average chair and I’m not so happy about it.

Well I decided it’s a good idea for me to start dating again, if only for the purpose of getting out and meeting new people and seeing what possibilities there are. I’m still so wounded and hurt from “him” that I’m not sure I will ever truly believe in love or trust another man (as I’ve said) but what the hell a bys gotta get laid and the occasionally dinner etc is fun.  So while planning this date, he suggested something more adventurous than the typical drinks at a car or dinner.  After a bit of struggle with ideas and time constraints (after work) etc, we settled on riding the Tram.  I told him this was a major fear and he was very considerate but agreed that a new adventure is always better if it involves fear. (for those curious types the date was great, but definitely a friendship thing, and the tram broke with us on it, and my fear of heights was capitalized upon as we swayed unmoving on the tram line for 30 minutes in 45MPH winds before being brought back down.)

This morning’s TDL email was all about facing fear down. Let go of the fear and embrace the challenges, The things we fear are probably much less dangerous than we thought.

This is a revelation of sorts for me. Last night being trapped almost a mile in the air, swaying didn’t kill me, in fact I learned to capitalize on the rush, and enjoy the view with a spice of adventure. The date didn’t turn out quite the way I had hoped, but there was no end of life with the rejection; chalk it up as not meant to be, and move on right?

I have had a fear for the longest time, of leaving Albuquerque. I have always wanted to do it, but I have been afraid of leaving with so much debt. Trying to make a new life elsewhere. What if I have no friends? What if I hate my job? What if I hate the city? What if it’s a miserable failure?  The last time I thought about moving out of ABQ I was going to move across the country, with him, and he lied to me enough times to make me believe he wanted that, and then crushed me when I was ready to make it happen. When I believed.  It scared me right back into not wanting to leave, because it was exactly as I had feared.  What if I take that step and make that resolve and then I’m not wanted? Well, I’m facing down that fear.  I’m making new contacts and looking into new methods and working on new ideas when I make this trip to DC for the conference and to see The Quilt.  I’m facing down that fear, and I’m moving on.

I will no longer allow fear to control me or stop me.  This is resolved for me.  I am an infinite being, a Child of Hera, A Manipulator of Fire, the ever powerful Leo. I will face the challenges ahead, and do so within my own power.  ;-)  Why not? What’s the worst that can happen? The tram might break? That’s not as bad as I would’ve thought.