Random Thoughts

I started today’s blog writing from a place of bitterness.. I’m still really hurt and angry by many of the things my ex says and does to me.  I would like to say it doesn’t matter but it always will I think.  I no longer bring them up to him because he just gets angry and indignant because he apparently can do no wrong, though he always ends our conversations with a reminder of how much he loves me.  And it made me think, This is the type of relationship I tell others to walk away from. Why bother, if he doesn’t ACT like he cares about you, why would you believe him when he says it?  So I was all set to just rant and rave about the asshole that he can be, and how I think he has no idea what love really is, or how to be kind if it requires his energy output, but I thought, fuck that, I have better things to think about…

So a list of randomness ensues:

I leave with my best friend “bonus” in ten days for D.C.  I am beyond excited about this trip. A dream I have had since I was 15 years old or so, was to see The Quilt, and I am finally making that happen. 

The reality of this trip is bringing to light a few thoughts that weigh heavily; or lift heavenly my mind lately.

HIV/AIDS has been killing people for the entirety of my lifetime now, and I am about to be hitting a major age landmark.  But what I am going to see will memorialize, in large part, a time when people just didn’t seem to care. A time in our nation’s history when we showed the worst of our character as a society, and allowed people to suffer in pain while we fought over petty morality issues and scientific credits rather than tests and treatments. 

It also reminds me of how long it has been since I was in my favorite city.   A place I wish I could take all my friends, and even some past lovers (including aforementioned ass) because it holds my heart.  I always come back from DC wanting to move there, wanting to be in that space for a while and experience that life.  I think this time might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  I have strong feeling that between my personal life and my professional aspirations, I may make this my last vacation to DC before moving there for a while.  When better to achieve and pursue major life changes that an impending birthday?

It also reminds me of the community of support and love that I have with me here in ABQ.  I am raising money for this trip, and a lot of my amazing sisters and brothers have stepped up to the plate to help me raise the money.  After years of doing things for others, one always wonders who will step up to the plate to help you out when you ask for it. Well my friends have all stepped up one way or another to help, and it has made me tear up just a little everytime I think of just how amazing my community is!

In other notes, I’ve been doing a lot of dating lately…

That has proven to be an interesting experience.  There is a guy I’ve gone out with 3 times, who seems to be very interested and excited at the prospect of getting together and hanging out, but stops himself every time he gets that “I want to kiss you” look on his face.  I dunno how to handle it, but he’s too tall for me to make that move (Napoleon surely didn’t have this problem) so I think it will quickly fizzle to friendship.

There is the guy that I have had a year long back and forth going on, who told me to be aggressive, take charge and make him feel wanted, so I arranged a dinner date, that was turned quickly into an evening similar to one I would’ve spent with one of my girls, dinner and music and chatting, but definitely no romance. Which is awful, cause it was a romantic environment, for sure. 

I have a new one this week, first date on Thursday.  He is super cute- we’ve talked once on some website somewhere, but he ended up coming with a friend to the show last night.  And he saw the way I was looking at him (he apparently didn’t recognize me) and he brought me the silk flowers a performer had given him earlier in the night. It was a sweet romantic gesture.  When I told him online later who I was he kinda flipped about not recognizing me, and said he’s love to take me to dinner. I had to, once again, take charge a bit, and suggest that he take me to dinner on Thursday. He said he can’t wait.  I’m excited about this perspective, but am learning to be excited for the experience, not necessarily the end result.

Which is the ultimate lesson of life for me recently.  It is full of experiences.  I don’t know that, given the opportunity, I would redo what I experienced with my ex. Knowing him now, versus who he pretended to be for so long, makes me think I wasted my time.  But it was an experience, he taught me songs I love, he turned me onto shows I enjoy, and he bought me nice Christmas Gifts. I’m sure he’s worth more than that as a person, to someone else, but to me its just a wash overall.  But he was an experience if nothing else, and sometimes we give more than we get…. Often, actually…

So this is my promise to myself, experiences can be good or bad.  No doubt they have lessons associated, the good ones and the bad ones.  I’m trying to move past the bitterness he caused, and focus on the good things happening, and remembering that I saw those red flags before, I knew better than to allow myself to fall, and next time, I won’t ignore those warnings. 

For now, ten days to prepare for DC, two shows, packing, fundraising, and some major research to do, so I will try to focus on those things.  It’s much better moving forward, right?