Fireworks

I sat among children watching fireworks tonight, and the excitement they had made me think...

About growing up. About the world changing around us. About the things we used to be excited about, but no longer move us the way they used to... and what that means, how it translates and how do we get some of that back?

Do you recall being younger and the feeling you had I your gut all day, on the Fourth of July.  As the sun moved, achingly slowly across the sky, each minute taking hours to pass? We were, or I was, sooo excited for sunset to come, because the colored smoke bombs were already gone by 3pm. And I wanted to hit the rest of the fireworks!!!  My family would gather together, sometimes with huge families of  other people, friends and neighbors, and we would have tons fo people around a BBQ grill, and beer, but as kids we had one focus. Ok maybe if there was a pool around, two focuses.

And when dark came, we rushed to get all the fireworks we had saved our money all summer for, and our parents would tell us to wait a moment and we would be jumping up and down, and screaming, and refusing to wait patiently, to get out the lighters.

We pushed our way through every sparkler, and bottle rocket, and roman candle (these were days before major fire hazards, when we had access to all kinds of fireworks) and the snake thingies, and pyramid shaped colored spark distribution thingies. (I don’t remember what they were all called, but I knew I loved them all. Even though I was often to worried or scared to light them myself)

And when we were done with all of our own fireworks, we would calm down a bit, get dessert and a drink of some sort, and sit on the highest ground we could find, to watch the fireworks put on by our city. The Base, the Space Hall of Fame, whatever the space our attention was clearly on those fireworks. And we were sad as the evening ended, we had scavenged for every additional firework we could find, before being loaded into our vehicles and made to head home.

Yesterday I woke late, met a friend for lunch (we never get to have lunch because we rarely share a day off, then went shopping with another friend.  I was in for the evening, not particularly interested in venturing back out, thinking mostly about a nap and what to eat for dinner when someone called me and said he was on his way to kidnap me and take me to do something.

We grabbed a bite, drove around a bit, and settled on going to park and watch the fireworks at Isotopes stadium.

This is rambling a bit, but I’m making a point, I promise…

While waiting for them the kids nearby, in other cars or sitting on tp of other cars were soo excited!  “mom, when will they start? Mom will they be big? Dad, what if for we can’t see them!?!?! (On young boy spoke just like my baby sister used to, she often said “what if for…” )  “

My friend and I, sat quietly, looking at our phones, smoking, etc, killing time until they started with no real excitement.   Part of my lack of drive was the company, honestly, he’s not a lot of fun to hang out with and often begins to annoy me upon our first hug hello, but that wasn’t all. I just realized, fireworks were not that exciting to me anymore. My mind wandered, to paying my bills, and what am I going to do for the next show? When will I be out of debt and able to move along in life comfortably, not wealthy, just, stable?  Why didn’t that relationship work out? We should be doing this romantic fireworks thing together.  This led me down an incredibly dark and serious path and in no time at alI began wondering about when I could finish school, and why I had fucked up my life so badly by quitting in the first place? And why have I had all of these terrible love interests in my life, and what is it going to take to be proud of who I am? 

All I really know, is that it is time for me figure this out. I want to be excited about things again, I want to be the adult my childhood dreamt of. I want to find Marshall. 

What are your childhood excitement memories? Did you achieve your goals?