I'm not ready, still...

I was listening to the names.  They were being read so monotone... it wasn't emotional really, not like id anticipated.  The weather has been bad so the grass is wet.  They aren't really letting the quilt touch the ground today... so this large group of people silently hold the quilt about waist height.
I was taking pictures, of people holding it and people under it and the stage. 
The names kept  goig, there are 93,000 so I don't know what kind of break or change of pace I expected...  I know the process, and I thought I was ready...

Here's the problem.  I keep thinking I'm ready.
I keep thinking I'm emotionally prepared or that I'm gonna be ok. 
I wasn't.
Like a soccer ball in the gut, I was hit suddenly by wave of grief.  I had waterworks and I couldn't breathe. My mind went fuzzy, my legs numb and I almost buckled my legs under me. 
It wasn't a specific name, it wasn't a panel, it was the realization, the non stop list, the material reminder... 93,000 that are represented...

We left for the morning.  I could take no more...