Self Love?

It’s been a while since I’ve written, and I want to first apologize for that. Thank you for my friends who stick it out and wait patiently for something new… (yes, in my head, you’re sitting on the edge of your chair daily to see if I’ve posted…)

Validation. Romance. Love. Fate. Destiny. Searching. Longing. Loneliness. Bitterness. Grief.

These concepts, and many others have floated in and out of my head lately, in a lot of ways.  I must first thank my FRIEND, (formerly known as “the ex”) for the perfect “Story starter” to find my inspiration to write about this.

So how do we get to the place where we are comfortable within ourselves enough to date comfortably?

Though I’m not a huge fan of Rupaul, she regularly repeats a message we have all heard a thousand times in one way or another. “If you can’t love yourself, how in tha hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Is this really true? I’m not certain.  I have to ask, what is the threshold of loving yourself? Are there levels, and once we reach a certain level we are ready, but still learning to love ourselves more everyday? I think so.   I mean, surely “they” don’t expect us to just be one hundred percent perfectly happy with ourselves, before entering a healthy relationship. That would be ludicrous, right? Or would it?

 I have a friend who has a couple of issues with his body, and his financial/professional status right now. He thinks they might be the biggest barriers he has to dating.  He says his biggest fear, after having a short conversation with a guy online(which is how most gay men encounter each other) is them discovering how overweight he is when they meet in person.  (For the record I never found this person to be “fat” or unattractive in anyway, and since I last saw him he has lost a significant amount of weight.  He will never be skinny, and is probably hit a plateau at a weight loss point, but in keeping his diet and workout regimen going to well, he will probably be able to maintain a stable weight for most of the rest of his life. ) And under other circumstances, I would sleep with him again and again in a heartbeat, aside from just loving him, I’ll always think he is hot!

So the issue for him is how to come to terms with his weight? Or does he have to? Should he stay single, or plan to do so until he feels confident and sexy with his body the way it is? If that is the case, what if he never loses another pound? Is he doomed to single life forever?

I find lots of fault with the idea that we have to be 100% comfortable in our skin or our situation to find love.  He did it once.  And I was damn good, I must say!

So what’s the barrier to another time? Was our short lived love affair a once in a lifetime opportunity for him? Certainly, not. For me?

Yes I have my own issues of insecurity, many of them.  I’ve always had a feeling, that in general, I wasn’t as attractive as the typical guy out there, but mostly that I wasn’t attractive to my “type” of guy.  I’m not he butchest guy in the pack, let’s face it. I love football and beer, chili and rodeos, and what not. But I listen to Pink and Cher, Barbra Streisand and the late-great Donna Summer. I wear women’s clothing on the weekends and refer to my best friends as sisters.  My skin doesn’t tan. I don’t’ workout enough to build muscle, I smoke, I don’t dance well, and I don’t speak Spanish.  So to find a relatively butch acting, (sexually-a bottom) Spanish speaking cultural Latino, with an open mind about Faith and no hang-ups with his mother is hard enough. Then I expect them to want me, more than they want other guys.  I dunno… We’re starting to hit dicey territory. (yes, I quickly made this about me, I can’t write allll about him, I have no experience being him… duh)

So add all of these issues, my feeling, generally not attractive enough, then the fact that rejection is my biggest fear and I’ve felt a lot of it.  For my entire life, I have woken up everyday afraid of rejection and disappointment.  I fear every morning that my family is disappointed with who and what I’ve become. I fear that my friends will see through a façade I’ve put up, and that I’m actually a loser.  I step onto the Stage at every drag show, worried that the audience will suddenly be tired of me and start throwing things at me instead of applauding or tipping.  (they still might, drag audiences are VICIOUS!!!)

How can I expect to date, or even more so, make a good impression and find a boy to stick around for a while if I have all the fear built up? How can he expect to not be single, if he is constantly afraid to be seen in person because of his weight “problem”?

I don’t’ know the answers to the questions about how much ”self-love” we must have to be enough for someone else. But I know this.  My fear of rejection is likely to never go away.  I will always go into a panic attack when my boyfriend/lover/husband/partner doesn’t answer the phone when I call, or doesn’t’ return the call immediately.  I will always assume that he is talking to some gorgeous stranger who stole his breath and attention from me, and that I’m getting dumped any day.  I will always fear the “Its not you…” or “I have to do this for me…” or “I got a job and have to take it…” or “I’m just not into you anymore….”  Those fears will always be in my head. But I can’t let that stop me from dating.

I don’t think we need to be comfortable in our own skin.  People like me never will be. Always working on being more attractive, more physically fit (not me, but others like me) or more intelligent and educated, or more financially stable etc…   We will always try to improve.  The key is not to love ourselves enough to be in a healthy relationship and have love for another.  It’s to love the idea of the dating experience, and to love the idea of dancing to the song, knowing that not every dance will end with a kiss. 

I think the trick here is figure out the balance. I’m still looking, but I think I’m relatively honest with my partners/potential partners about my insecurities, and most of them figure out that it’s a minor eccentricity when it’s not being exacerbated or triggered.   I tend to like men who aren’t skinny.  I am pretty sure I make the men I am with feel incredibly sexy, I hope that was true with My Ex, and I think it is true with my current boyfriend. (Yes I slid that right in there, wait for another post about this, I guess. :-P  )  I’m pretty sure that My Rebel is pretty head over heels for me, I get the feeling he is. But that doesn’t change the fact that I worry that he will wake up one morning and say, “what the eff am I doing!?”  So I tell him that.  I let him know that I have this fear, this insecurity, and that I will panic less if he takes a little time everyday to make sure I know how he feels about me.  Just like I let my partners in the past know that I am not super butch, though I’m a top. Or that I don’t necessarily have the stamina for marathon sex sessions, but I make up for it with my own personal tricks (sorry if that’s TMI, but we’re sex-positive here, remember).

So I am willing to bet that my friend needs to just own his weight issue.  He clearly doesn’t feel fat; if he does he’s an idiot.  So what’s wrong with saying “sure, I wanna meet you, but I have to warn you I’m a self conscious about being a stocky guy…”  Most guys, just like me, will have taken enough time to get to know him and say “so…” just like I did (with this and other confessions… Or they won’t be worth the time.

Not every man in the world is Prince Charming, full of kindness and understanding-it’s true.  But there can’t be only one Prince Charming for each of us.  I thought that was the case once, but I’m already on Number 3 for myself.  All men who, to some degree were willing to look past my issues of insecurity and fear, and see the rest of me that they fell in love with...   I truly hope Number 3-My Rebel is the last one-that I never have to date again….   but if not, I bet there’s a number four out there.